People Sure Love Bears

Back in March 1994, I was idly watching a documentary on a PBS television station about Kodiak Island and its bears. It truly fascinated me.

Afterward, I realized why bears are such beloved animals. They're cute: Even the ones who could kill you with a swipe of a paw. I can't say that about, say, lions and tigers.

Then there are bear cubs: Big, furry, and even more lovable than adult bears. It's no wonder why kids love them. The kid inside me could love them, too, if I let myself do that.

I also found out that adult male bears often eat bear cubs during their first year of life. Intra-species cannibalism: I only thought humans did that.

Pray, Mantis

For what, pray tell, does a praying mantis pray?

Fresh blades of grass to eat?

A hot lady mantis for mating?

A healthy green sheen on his carapace?

No birds around to eat him?

No humans around to step on him?

I'm sure he's thankful that he's not a germ or a dung beetle. To give thanks is one reason to pray.

But what if a praying mantis is an atheist or an agnostic? What does he pray for then?

Or what is a praying mantis would rather be a playing mantis? If he is, what game would he rather be playing?

toby cat

since it's the holiday season, i'll give everything on earth some brotherly love.

but there was one creature for which i never did. it was toby, my mother's cat. there was no lost love between he and me.

now if curiosity killed the cat, then stupidity definitely got toby stuck in a tree. at least one year, he was stuck in the same tree at three different times.

that was how he spent some of his nine lives. the other lives he spent either eating, sleeping, or giving off a bad attitude.

i was at my parents' house one december many years ago when i came across toby sleeping on a couch. he woke, saw me, and yawned widely. then he closed his eyes into slits and gave me a very dirty look.

he did that because i had interrupted a very important nap in his day. it was his fifth nap. that was the one where he got his beauty rest.

then he got up, hissed and arched his back. if i remember correctly, he started to scratch at the air with one of his front paws.

he was acting like he was some badass lion on the serenghetti plains of africa trying to scare me away. but i wasn't impressed with his pisspoor imitation.

"hey, toby," i said, "i want to find out of cats really land on their feet after a fall. you wanna go up on the roof and help me find out?"

he heard me. i know he did because he jumped off the couch and walked out of the room.

but before he left, he lifted his tail to show me what to kiss and where it was.

pets and peeves

you might have some pet peeves about some people. but what do you call the peeves that you have with your pets?

for example, you might say to them, "fido -- your breath smells terrible. kitteh -- you had a bad attitude. and listen, both of you -- when i have company over, PLEASE don't lick yourselves down there in front of them."

then your pets might have peeves with you:

"gee, boss, flush the toilet after you use it. PLEASE. i drink out of it sometimes."

"boss, i wish you wouldn't scratch your ass and pet me with the same hand."

the humor of turtles

i've noticed this. maybe you have, too.

turtles are natural comedians.

they're funny in that lumbering, doe-dee-doe way they have as they crawl. and when their heads go in and out of their shells -- it's high-larious!

it's also fun to mess with turtles. you'll say to one -- "hey, yertle! your shell would make a hell of a soup bowl! and you'd make a tasty soup, too!"

yertle will give you a look as if to say:

"i'm gonna come over there and bite you!"

then he'll start crawling toward you. he will get you if you stay in one place long enough, because turtles are kn

own to be slow but persistent.but when he gets near you, all you have to do is move a few feet -- a couple of yards, maybe.

his head will go in and out of his shell in incomprehension, and he'll give you a look as if to say:

"damn you, swifty!"