The Nature Of Hell

In a physics class at a nearby college, the professor asked this question on the final for extra credit:

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?

(NOTE: In layman's language, does Hell absorb heat and therefore get hotter? Or does it release heat and therefore get colder?)

One student wrote:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that if the temperature and pressure in Hell is to stay the same, then the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose: That is, Hell is exothermic.

Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over: That is, Hell is endothermic.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given by Ms. Theresa Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I go out with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a date with her, the second case cannot be true.

Therefore, Hell is exothermic.

The student was the only one who got the extra credit.

Entertaining The Cows

Beau lived in a small town near the country. Many of his friends were farmers.

One Sunday, Sam, one of Beau's farmer friends, had an open house to show people their new barn and their repainted home.

Beau, Sam, and some other men were standing around and talking when Johnny, Sam's son, ran up to the group and exclaimed:

"Hey, Dad! The bull's out in the field and he's screwing all the cows!"

Johnny wasn't a bad kid. He just had a tendency to say things before he thought about them.

Sam took Johnny aside and told him gently but firmly:

"Son, around here we don't say the bull is .. er, uh ... screwing the cows. We say he's entertaining the cows."

Johnny said, "OK Dad." Then he went away.

Fifteen minutes later, Johnny ran up to the group of men and said:

"Hey Dad! The bull stopped entertaining the cows!"

Sam said, "That's nice to hear Johnny," glad and relieved that his son had used the word he had suggested.

Johnny then told the group:

"Yeah, the bull stopped entertaining the cows. And now he's screwing the horse!"

jugglers and peacocks

hitler walks into a bar. there, he sees goering and himmler.

"today, we killed 40,000 jews, 12 jugglers and 6 peacocks," he said.

"mein fuehrer!" goering said. "are you serious?"

"i am, goering," he replies.

then he turns to himmler and says: "you see, himmler, no one cares about the jews."

karmageddon

it's like, when everybody?

is sending off all these, like, rilly, rilly, rilly bad vibes?

and then?

like, the earth explodes?

and then it's like?

a rilly, rilly, rilly bad bummer?
*
(best told in the tone of an airheaded teenaged girl.)

his eyes are ok

a man went to his doctor for his annual checkup and told him, "i have a problem."

the doctor said, "what is it?"

the man said, "every morning when i get up and look in the mirror, i feel like throwing up and then killing myself. what do you think is wrong?"

the doctor said, "offhand, i'm not sure. now i'm not an optometrist, but it's definitely not your eyesight."

new folks at work

so i walk into my favorite bar and grill and see there's a new bartender.

"what happened to joe, the regular bartender?" i ask mel, the owner and proprietor, because joe usually is working then shift when i come in.

mel says, "i fired him."

i ask, "why?"

he says, "he kept fucking the popcorn popper."

i reply, "DAMN! that's gotta hurt!"

i drink my beer, then order a new one.

then i ask mel, "hey, what happened to the popcorn popper?"

he says, "i had to fire her, too, because she was fucking joe."

porn and stuff

when i was young, i was walking along street one fine summer day when some sleazy guy drove up to me in a beat-to-hell car and said, "hey, kid -- want some pornography?"

i replied, "no thanks, mister. my family doesn't own a pornograph."

i found out later than he had died of osteopornosis -- a degenerate disease caused by excessive use and abuse of pornography.

he also suffered from an affliction caused by excessive masturbation to pornography -- the pennis elbow.

the bozone layer

the ozone layer surrounds the earth and keeps bad light rays from getting to the earth's surface.

the bozone layer surrounds dumbasses and keeps intelligence from getting into their minds.

while some say the ozone layer might be disappearing, no such thing seems to be happening with the bozone layer.

outstanding!

today i'm starting a new classification in my blog.

i call it jokes from the public domain. it will consist of some jokes which i found while i was going through some old notes.

here's the first in the series. it's dated but still funny to me.
*
president bush returns to the white house after a trip overseas. as he gets off the helicopter, he is carrying a pig under each arm.

a marine on duty salutes him and says, "OUTSTANDING pigs, sir!"

bush says, "thank you. i got one for vice president cheney, and the other for secretary of defense rumsfeld."

the marine says, "OUTSTANDING trade, sir!"
*
i saw one version that said bush got the pigs for his daughters, jenna and barbara. but instead of dumping on two poor little rich girls, i decided to dump on two war criminals.

a scene in southern california

a highway patrolman pulled over a car.

"is there a problem, officer?" the driver said.

"no, there isn't," the patrolman said. "but -- congratulations."

"what for?" the driver said.

"because you're wearing your seat belt as required by law, you've just won $1,000 in a statewide safety competition," the patrolman said.

"great!" the driver said.

"by the way, sir -- what do you plan to do with the money?" the patrolman asked.

"well, i guess i'm going to get a driver's license," the driver said.

then a woman in the passenger seat said, "oh, don't listen to him -- he's a smart ass when he's drunk."

this woke up a man who was in the back seat. he took one look at the patrolman and said, "i knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

at that moment, there was a knock from the trunk. a voice said, "ey, senor -- como nosotos salto la frontera?"*
*in english: "uh, sir -- are we over the border yet?"

jesus is watching you!

once upon a night, a burglar broke into a house. he shined his flashlight around as he looked for valuables to steal,

just as he saw a cd player, a voice in the dark said:

"jesus is watching you!"

the burglar clicked off his flashlight and froze. but after he didn't hear a sound, he clicked it back on and walked toward the cd player.

just as he was going to disconnect it, he heard the same voice say:

"jesus is watching you!"

this freaked out the burglar. he shined his flashlight around the room, looking for the source of the voice. the beam of light fell on a bird cage. in it was a parrot.

he said, "did you say that?"

the parrot said, "yes. i'm just trying to warn you."

the burglar said, "warn me, huh? who the fuck are you?"

the parrot said, "moses."

the burglar said, "moses! what the fuck! what kind of idiots would give the name moses to a fucking parrot?"

the parrot said, "the kind of people who would give the name jesus to a rottweiler."

where babies come from

"mommy," said the little girl, "where do babies come from?"

"oh ... ah ..." her mother hemmed and hawed, until she thought of a good answer.

"well, honey," she replied, "a man and a woman fall in love and they get married. then one night, they go into their bedroom and hug and kiss and take off their clothes and, uh, make love. that's where the man puts his thingee into the woman's cooter. nine months later, a baby comes out of her cooter and they become a mommy and a daddy.

"and that's where babies come from, honey."

"oh, okay," the little girl said. "but the other night, i went into your bedroom and saw that daddy's thingee was in your mouth. when you do that, what do you get?"

the mother was silent for a few moments. then she said:

"jewelry."

confessions and lemons

a man walked into a catholic church and went directly into a confessional booth.

"bless me, father, for i have sinner," he told the priest. "i have had sex with seven different women last week -- one every day. and not one of them was my wife."

the priest was silent for a couple of minutes. then he said, "my son, for your penance, go home and cut seven lemons in half. each lemon represents each woman with whom you have sinned. then squeeze the juice from the lemons into a glass and drink down that juice in one gulp."

the man said, "and by doing this penance, father, will i be forgiven for my sins in the eyes of god and the catholic church?"

the priest said, "no. but that will wipe that bigass shiteating grin off your face."