The Story of Oh ... My God ...

One Saturday afternoon, Charles was browsing through his favorite used book store. 

He had come to its erotic books section, looked at a shelf just below his eye level, and saw a copy of The Story of O.

He picked up it and was going to browse through it because he thought he might buy it.

But on the inside of the front cover he saw the name of his aunt ... his mother's sister ... the one who was ... as his family put it ... "adventurous."

He found that disturbing.

Then he inhaled deeply.

The book had a faint smell of pussy.

He found that VERY disturbing, put the book back in the shelves, and immediately left the bookstore.

He was one of those people who thought knowledge about the sex lives of his family was like knowledge about how sausages are made: There was NO good reason to know the specifics.

Devil In The Flesh

Somewhat related to the post below.

Overheard recently in a restaurant:

Teresa: Oh that Susie! She's a terrible person! She's worse than Hitler! She's the Devil in the flesh!

Jennifer: Oh, Terrie, she's not that bad.

Teresa: Okay, Jennie. That Susie's a bitch.

Jennifer: WATCH YOUR MOUTH! DON'T YOU EVER CALL A WOMAN A BITCH AROUND ME!

Just Want You To Know

It's spring, and Mary Jane's back.

Of Champions ...

breakfast ...

and lunch ...

I don't think you'll be hungry enough for dinner, because if you eat them during a day, you won't be hungry.

And if you eat them all your life, you'll probably die sooner rather than later.

The Titles Of Some Books ...

I won't be reading...and definitely won't be writing...this year or any other year:
The Devil, Miss Jones, And The Deep Blue Sea

The Human Pretzel

Syphilisation And Its Malcontents

The Designated Negro

Notes From Just Under The Surface

Crosstown Ladies/Midtown Wives

Lucifer's Debutants

Beneath The Valley Of The Angry Gray Ultra-Goblins

From Walmart To Wall Street And Back Again

Y Kant Immanuel Think

Mandelbaum And Mandelbrot

Paradise Misplaced

Love And Potatoes

with valentine's day a week and a half away, i thought i'd post this. it's somewhat offbeat, i admit, but appropriate in its way.

*

if you say 'my love is like a red, red rose,' i disagree.

if you ask why, here are some reasons.

roses only last like a couple of weeks; that is, if you leave them in water. and they really only exist to be pretty. so if you say 'my love is like a red, red rose,' that's like saying 'my love for you is temporary and transitory and based solely on appearance.'

but a potato is entirely different...and in some ways better.

potatoes last for a long time. in fact, they actually sprout even if you just leave them in the sack. that part alone makes it a good symbol. it means, 'my love grows even when i'm alone.'

but wait; there's more!

there are so many ways to enjoy a potato; you can even make a battery with it! here's a link to show how it's done. that's like saying 'i have many ways in which i show my love for you.'

try doing that with a rose.

potatoes are somewhat plain, but to compare your love to one is like saying 'it doesn't matter at all what you look like, i'll still love you.'

(photo from chan4chan.com)

A Woman Has A Close Male Friend

A woman has a close male friend.

This means he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around her. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out when she says, "You're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way."

This is the equivalent of the guy who goes to a job interview and the personnel manager tells him:

"You have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. We're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else. But we still won't hire you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

And this one reason why platonic relations between men and women rarely work.

(Reworded from a joke found at the qdb site c/o bash.org)

Some Takes On Ayn Rand

I wrote of libertarians in a post last Wednesday. If you'd like to read it, please click here or feel free to scroll down to it.

The post caused me to think about Ayn Rand, their unholy combination of patron saint and blessed mother. Then I also remembered I had a few things about her that I had collected from the internet.

I post here for your entertainment or enlightenment.

The first is a graphic:

(Please click to increase size)

Then there are these three vignettes:

How He Reads Ayn Rand
I read half a page of one of her books and think:

HOLY FUCK! I HATE YOU AYN RAND! RAAAAAAAAAGE! RAGE! RAGE! RAGE! RAAAAAAAAAGE!

I throw the book across the room.

I pick up the book about a half hour later. I read another half a page and think:

THIS BITCH HAS TO BE BULLSHITTING EVERYBODY! FFFFFUUUUUHKK YOOOOO BITCH!

I throw the book across the room.

I repeat this until the book is completely read.

The exception is Anthem, because it's easy enough to enjoy as a decent story and you can look past the screamingly blatant hurr-durr-dumb-commies undertones in it.
(From the infamous forum/chat board 4chan.)

Ayn Rand Back In The Day
Her diaries from that time (the 1920s), when she worked as a receptionist and an extra in Hollywood movies, lay out the Nietzschian mentality that underlies all her later writings. The local newspapers were filled for months with stories about William Hickman, a serial killer who kidnapped Marian Parker, a 12-year-old girl, from her junior high school. He raped and killed her, then dismembered her body. He sent parts of it along with letters of mockery to the police. Rand wrote long stretches of prose in praise of him; she said he represented 'the amazing picture of a man with no regard whatsoever for all that a society holds sacred, and with a consciousness all his own. (He is) a man who really stands alone in action and in soul. Other people do not exist for him and he does not see why they should.' She called him 'a brilliant, unusual, exceptional boy,' shimmering with 'immense, explicit egotism.' Rand had only one regret: 'A strong man can eventually trample society under its feet. That boy was not strong enough.'
(From Slate: http://www.slate.com/id/2233966/)

Two Novels
There are two novels that can change a bookish 14-year old's life. They are The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.

One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes. That often leads to an emotionally stunted and socially crippled adulthood where the readers of the novel are unable to deal with the real world.

The other novel, of course, involves orcs.
(Site of origin not noted. My error.)

Facts About Humanity

A Few Thoughs About Humor

One
I have found the internet equivalent of wit:

Not using LOL or emoticons like :) after you tell a joke.

If you use them, it's as if you don't trust your audience is smart enough to get the joke.

Two
Laughter has two effects for the hurt soul: A medicine to sooth and heal it, or a shield to cover it.

I'm reminded of this when I thought of an episode of Friends, when Phoebe dated a psychotherapist. After he met Chandler, he said, "I don't know if I want to be around when the laughter stops and the crying begins."

Three
A joke. I don't know if it's original to me, or if I read it on the internet and wrote it out subconsciously:

Q: What's the name of the guy who made Citizen Kane but he was also known for setting buildings on fire?

A: Arson Welles.

My Blues...Not Lennon's

yes, i'm lonely.
wanna die.
yes, i'm lonely.
wanna die.
if i ain't dead already,
girl you know the reason why.

in the morning, wanna die.
in the evening, wanna die.
*
but in the afternoon, well, i feel a lot better because i eat a good lunch. i might have a bowl of soup, especially on cold days. i usually eat a piece of bread with a little peanut butter spread on it. i also eat some fruit and maybe have a light salad. after that, i take a nap for about an hour. then i'm good to go for the rest of the day!

girl, you know the reason why.
*
and now you know the rest of the story.

You Open Your Mouth For Me...

You open your mouth for me and I enter...

You close your lips around me...

My in-and-out motions are sometimes slow and deliberate...

Sometimes they are fast and furious...

Sometimes they feel fabulous...

Sometimes a hair or two get s stuck between your teeth...

I always leave a white fluid in your mouth...

Afterward, you rinse out your mouth and spit out that liquid...

Sometimes you swallow it...

Sometimes you notice the taste is not that bad...

Sometimes your mouth feels pretty good after the whole thing is over...

You ought to do it once in the morning after you wake up and eat breakfast...

Then once in the evening before you fall asleep...

Hey...

Get your minds out of the gutter...

I'm your toothbrush...

(Photoillustration from the goodhousekeeping.com site).

Baggage

I've been working on some psychological issues in my life. Some of them weigh heavy on my mind.

The general/colliquial word for that is baggage.

And we all have baggage. It just depends on what type it is:

• Louis Vutton;
• Samsonite;
• Big black trash bags held together with silver duct tape.
  

The Taste ... And The Crave...

wolf: one time when i was masturbating...i tasted my own sperm!

c-zee: wolf, that's just fuckin' sick...but...i'm curious...how the hell did you do that...?

wolf: well...I hadn't jacked off for a while...and the pressure was so strong...it just shot up high on my chest...i just reached down and dipped a finger in the was...then put it up to my mouth...

c-zee: what did it taste like...?

wolf: well...there's one way to find out...

c-zee: fuck you...i'm not gay...!

wolf: nah man...i don't mean that...just do what i did and taste your own...then it's not gay...vain probably...narcissistic definitely...but it's not gay...

d-jon: don't do it c-zee...if you taste your own sperm it'll turn you...homosexual...!

wolf: fuck off d-jon...i've never had any desire to suck any cock...

d-jon: wait...it'll come... it's like eating at white castle...once you do you develop...

THE CRAVE...!

this is how it starts....so listen and listen well...

you eat at white castle and you don't eat there for a while...but all of a sudden out of nowhere you're craving a sack full of sliders...and you'll travel any time...between midnight and 4 a.m...and travel any distance and go through all types of bad weather...like heavy rain or heavy snowfall or heavy fog...to satisfy and fulfill your craving...but it's fulfilled for only a while...the crave returns...once you get it, it never goes away...never fully vanishes...

now...say you're lying in bed in the middle of the night...you wake and you're horny...so you jack off...you produce your man cream...and since you're half asleep and you've just jacked off your judgment is impaired...you wonder what it tastes like...so you dip your finger in it and bring it to your mouth...you taste it and DAMN if you don't want more...you gobble the rest of it down...but it's not enough...and you can't get hard so you can jack off for a while...so you find the places where men suck off other men to fulfill their perverted addictions...and the next time THE CRAVE hits you drive there...most of those men, believe it or not, were 100 percent heterosexual before they became addicted to sperm...it's an addiction that's as hard to break as an addiction to cigarettes or heroin...

wolf: well d-jon...if it comes to that...where are some of those places...?

c-zee: d-jon knows where they are because he goes to them all the time...probably has his favorites there...sends them birthday and christmas cards...

d-jon: you are mistaken c-zee...i know about those places because i have what you would call a...sociological interest...in this issue...and i read the police reports in the newspapers where the cops bust guys for sucking off each other in public places...

wolf: okay d-jon, but...man cream?...what the fuck?

Cell Division, Explained Pictorally

Someone on the net showed us one way to explain cell division:

o

0

8

oo
*
ADDENUM: With this posting, I've decided to add emoticons as a new label for my posts.

I've seen them...you can't help that if you're on the internet...and I like them, but I don't use them often because I find them juvenile. That's just me.

Naked? Or Nude?

Damn...it's emoticon porn...or should I call it pr0n?

And should I LOL it?

(Adapted from something I saw on the Internet.)

Avant-Garde Emoticons (Or So I Thought)

Well, I'll be damned. I posted this on Sunday, Sept. 12, and I present it to you here:
*
I found this earlier this year while I was surfing the net.

You might say: Hey. Emoticons. No big deal. In fact, they annoy me. Why do you post them, anyway?

True. But look at the year it was printed.

Yes, your eyesight is right. It's 1972.

Damn! That was 38 years ago, when I was in high school.
*
But I checked the net today and found that this wasn't created in 1972. Instead, it was created in 2009 by Mitch Ansara, who has a blog entitled Spacesick. Please click here to see the original post.

Unwanted Dependency

Here's a joke I saw on the internet last week:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in our living room. I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up and unplugged the TV, then took the beer in my hands and poured it down the kitchen sink.

It's very relevant today, since the National Football League starts its schedule in full today.

Time Travel

Recently there came to mind a want ad I saw on the net.

It was for time travel.

If I remember it correctly, it went like this:

WANTED
Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box 322, Oakview, CA, 93022. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I've only done this once before.

I haven't heard or seen if things went well.

Then there was the man who would try to travel back in time and change history. He told his friends, "You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses World War II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday."

He must've succeeded.

Batman And The Bagel

(The scene is the Batcave under stately Wayne Manor on the outskirts of Gotham City. BATMAN, the Caped Crusader, takes a break from his superhero work to have a snack. He sees a box on a nearby table. He picks out a baked good from it, bites into it, and chews it.)

BATMAN: Alfred?

ALFRED: Yes, sir?

BATMAN: Is this one of those Jewish doughnuts?

ALFRED: It is, sir. I believe they're called bagels.

BATMAN: Well, this is the first one that I've eaten ... and it's delicious!

ALFRED: They are rather tasty, sir ... if a bit dry at times. May I suggest you put some cream cheese on it? I happened to have put some by the box, along with a knife so you can spread it on the bagel.

(BATMAN applies the cream cheese to the bagel.)

BATMAN: So you have cream cheese on the outside of the Jewish doughnut instead of jelly inside like a gentile doughnut . Hmmm ...

ALFRED: Different cultures have different ways to baking and eating pastries, sir.

BATMAN: So ... different strokes for different folks then, eh?

ALFRED: You could say that, sir ... much like some say your friendship with Master Robin is a different stroke ... and a little more than just friendship.

BATMAN (Spits out bagel): Goddamn it, Alfred! What people saw was just a little friendly rough-housing between me and him! We were in a good mood because we had just captured the Joker AND the Penguin at the same time before they could commit their crimes! There is no way any one would ever have considered that to be homosexual!

ALFRED: If you insist, sir.

BATMAN: That goddamn Dr. Wertham! I'll sue his ass for libel! Insinuating that kind of bullshit goes on between Dick and me!

ALFRED: Sir, if I remember correctly, Batman is your secret identity. If you were to sue Dr. Wertham, and I'm no attorney, but I believe the court would require you to testify as Bruce Wayne. And that would expose your secret identity.

BATMAN: You're right, Alfred. That would definitely put me in a bind.

ALFRED: I believe the common term for that is up the creek without a paddle. And the creek isn't full of water. It's full of human waste, if you know what I mean ...