Sometimes, the best Christmas gifts are things that you didn't want, but are very glad to get anyway.
Such a gift came to me a little more than two weeks ago.
Between 2:30-3 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 23, in a parking lot on West 86th Street in Indianapolis, I was unloading some paper grocery sacks full of books from my car.
I was planning to sell them at Half Price Books to see what money I could get for them instead of just donating them to charity. I did it as part of my move from my old apartment to my new apartment.
As I was putting the bags on a cart the store lent me, an overweight woman came up and said, "Are you planning to sell those books?"
I was tired because I woke early that day to do several chores related to my move. And when I get tired, I often get angry.
I thought No bitch, I'm fucking putting these book on a fucking cart for my own fucking health. Why the fuck do you want to know?
But I held my tongue. I wasn't that angry. Besides, it was still the Christmas season; peace on Earth and good will toward men would still apply at least for me.
"Would you take $80 for your books?" she asked.
"Hell yes!" I said, taking the assured money, because the price I had received before for books I've taken to Half Price Books has varied greatly. One time I had taken six grocery sacks full of books and only got $40 for them.
(Note: Recently I took four grocery sacks full of books and a half-full sack to Half Price for sale. I received a bid of $37 for them.)
I helped the woman put the books into the trunk of her car. She said her company, a radiology business on the northwest side of Indianapolis, donated books for U.S. military personnel overseas.
So that was my Christmas present for the season. My brothers, their families, and I don't exchange gifts. And my parents, in the last few years before they died, gave us money instead of gifts.
Showing posts with label xmastime. Show all posts
Showing posts with label xmastime. Show all posts
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Some Offbeat Christmas Carols
For schizophrenics:
Do you hear what I hear?
For people with multiple personality disorders:
We three kings disoriented are ...
For narcissists:
Hark the herald angels sing -- only for me!
For manic people:
Deck the halls and walls and houses and lawns and streets and sidewalks and stores and offices and buildings and towns and cities and cars and buses and trucks and trees and bushes and cats and dogs ...
For depressed people:
Santa Claus is coming? What for?
For paranoids:
Santa Claus is coming ... for ME!
For people with attention deficit disorders:
Silent night, holy night ... oooooh, look at the nativity scene ... pretty! ... awwwww baby Jesus awwwww ... aw mother mary aw ... chocolate! ... eggnog! ... yeah, I want some ... hey, why is Santa's suit red?
For people with obsessive compulsive disorders:
Jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells ...
Do you hear what I hear?
For people with multiple personality disorders:
We three kings disoriented are ...
For narcissists:
Hark the herald angels sing -- only for me!
For manic people:
Deck the halls and walls and houses and lawns and streets and sidewalks and stores and offices and buildings and towns and cities and cars and buses and trucks and trees and bushes and cats and dogs ...
For depressed people:
Santa Claus is coming? What for?
For paranoids:
Santa Claus is coming ... for ME!
For people with attention deficit disorders:
Silent night, holy night ... oooooh, look at the nativity scene ... pretty! ... awwwww baby Jesus awwwww ... aw mother mary aw ... chocolate! ... eggnog! ... yeah, I want some ... hey, why is Santa's suit red?
For people with obsessive compulsive disorders:
Jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells ...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Possession Porn
The Christmas holiday season is coming up on us. Retailers are starting earlier than usual to make up for terrible sales last year. Word has leaked out about specials that will be offered at Best Buy, Target, and WalMart.
With all this emphasis on possessions, I'll note this:
I used to enjoy looking at the gift catalogs that my parents used to receive. One I especially wanted to see was from Nieman Marcus, the very upscale department store in Dallas.
That catalog was what I'd call possession porn or what the writer Tom Wolfe would call plutography -- writings about wealth that raise emotions.
I looked at the items in the Nieman Marcus catalog. I wouldn't buy most of them because of they were out of my price range. Besides, I didn't want them.
It was a lot like looking at women on a web porn site. I couldn't screw most of them because they were out of my price range. Most of them, however, I wanted.
There's one big difference between pornography and plutography.
On the internet, some companies charge $29.95 a month -- or even more -- to look at pictures of naked women. No company that I know of charges anything to look at pictures of luxury cars, jewelry, and expensive geegaws on the net.
(By the way, my father never ordered anything from Nieman Marcus.)
With all this emphasis on possessions, I'll note this:
I used to enjoy looking at the gift catalogs that my parents used to receive. One I especially wanted to see was from Nieman Marcus, the very upscale department store in Dallas.
That catalog was what I'd call possession porn or what the writer Tom Wolfe would call plutography -- writings about wealth that raise emotions.
I looked at the items in the Nieman Marcus catalog. I wouldn't buy most of them because of they were out of my price range. Besides, I didn't want them.
It was a lot like looking at women on a web porn site. I couldn't screw most of them because they were out of my price range. Most of them, however, I wanted.
There's one big difference between pornography and plutography.
On the internet, some companies charge $29.95 a month -- or even more -- to look at pictures of naked women. No company that I know of charges anything to look at pictures of luxury cars, jewelry, and expensive geegaws on the net.
(By the way, my father never ordered anything from Nieman Marcus.)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
bookstore days
in the middle 1980s, i worked parttime holiday sales at a bookstore in an indianpolis mall. i won't say which mall it was or which company it was, but it was neither borders nor barnes and noble, which had not reached central indiana by then.
i wrote some notes about that time and that job. after i reviewed them, here are the best vignettes i could've written from my notes.
the agitated crank
i was behind the register when an older man, who i often had seen come into the store before, walked in. a few minutes later, he came to the register with two biographies.
"i only buy true stuff," he said.
i asked him if he had read citizen hughes, which was a recently published biography about howard hughes.
i had not expected the explosion that followed.
"did you know that son of a bitch, for 17 years, never paid any income taxes?" the man said of hughes. he then went on about hughes' fear of germs, his attempts to buy politicians, and his attraction to teenaged girls, among other scandalous actions.
"he should've been shot -- him and the budweiser folks," he said.
the man then told me that he was a pharmacists and that hughes took 30 micrograms of valium a day. "that's a dosage large enough to kill 15 people," he said.
as he was going on about hughes, another customer came to the register. the guy then left.
a beard for a name
i was working the cash register in january, after the christmas rush, when a man used a check to pay for his purchase.
his name was charles a. beard.
now, beard is a hoosier native of which little is said. he was born in knightstown, a small city about 40 miles east of indianapolis. i knew his history. if you want to read more about him, please click here.
(by the way, in my notes, i went into great details about beard. but with the internet and hyperlinks, i can put this background information in the back room, so to speak.)
i talked with mr. beard because business was slow. i asked him if he was from knightstown. sure enough, he was. he said he grew up there and graduated from high school there in 1935.
a woman behind him then spoke up. she said she had lived in knighstown until she was 10 years old, then moved to new castle -- a city near knightstown.
interesting purchases
an older gentleman -- with white hair and heavy jowls and a solid bulk -- dressed in a business suit -- came up to me when i was working the register with four books.
two of them were crime and punishment and the brothers karamazov, both by dostoyevsky. one of them was surburban souls, an erotic novel written in the victorian area. the fourth one, i can't remember.
at first, i was surprised with his purchases. he didn't look like the type of man who would buy dostoyevsky. if he did buy novels, they probably would be by jack london, robert louis stevenson, or possibly joseph conrad. he also didn't look like the type of man who would've dared to buy an erotic novel in public.
but later i thought: why should you be surprised at this guy's purchases. there are people like him around indianapolis, even though they aren't that plentiful. and the way this guy dresses -- he's moving around without sticking out and being noticed.
i wrote some notes about that time and that job. after i reviewed them, here are the best vignettes i could've written from my notes.
the agitated crank
i was behind the register when an older man, who i often had seen come into the store before, walked in. a few minutes later, he came to the register with two biographies.
"i only buy true stuff," he said.
i asked him if he had read citizen hughes, which was a recently published biography about howard hughes.
i had not expected the explosion that followed.
"did you know that son of a bitch, for 17 years, never paid any income taxes?" the man said of hughes. he then went on about hughes' fear of germs, his attempts to buy politicians, and his attraction to teenaged girls, among other scandalous actions.
"he should've been shot -- him and the budweiser folks," he said.
the man then told me that he was a pharmacists and that hughes took 30 micrograms of valium a day. "that's a dosage large enough to kill 15 people," he said.
as he was going on about hughes, another customer came to the register. the guy then left.
a beard for a name
i was working the cash register in january, after the christmas rush, when a man used a check to pay for his purchase.
his name was charles a. beard.
now, beard is a hoosier native of which little is said. he was born in knightstown, a small city about 40 miles east of indianapolis. i knew his history. if you want to read more about him, please click here.
(by the way, in my notes, i went into great details about beard. but with the internet and hyperlinks, i can put this background information in the back room, so to speak.)
i talked with mr. beard because business was slow. i asked him if he was from knightstown. sure enough, he was. he said he grew up there and graduated from high school there in 1935.
a woman behind him then spoke up. she said she had lived in knighstown until she was 10 years old, then moved to new castle -- a city near knightstown.
interesting purchases
an older gentleman -- with white hair and heavy jowls and a solid bulk -- dressed in a business suit -- came up to me when i was working the register with four books.
two of them were crime and punishment and the brothers karamazov, both by dostoyevsky. one of them was surburban souls, an erotic novel written in the victorian area. the fourth one, i can't remember.
at first, i was surprised with his purchases. he didn't look like the type of man who would buy dostoyevsky. if he did buy novels, they probably would be by jack london, robert louis stevenson, or possibly joseph conrad. he also didn't look like the type of man who would've dared to buy an erotic novel in public.
but later i thought: why should you be surprised at this guy's purchases. there are people like him around indianapolis, even though they aren't that plentiful. and the way this guy dresses -- he's moving around without sticking out and being noticed.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
grannie panties
i want to post about a subject that concerns many of you ladies at christmastime:grannie panties.
they're the ones that go up to your navel and give you lots of coverage in the back and front and along the sides.
they're the ones made of nylon and come in wonderful pastel colors, like those pictured above. other colors include peach, light green, and cocoa.
they're the ones some of your relatives give you at christmas because they don't know what you truly want.
you open a package and see them. you say, "thanks, grandma" or "thanks, aunt mary." all the time, a sarcastic voice in your mind is telling you how clueless your relatives are.
ladies, i say cut your relatives some slack! getting grannie panties from them at christmas means that your relatives love you. or at the least, they care for you.
because if you get thong underwear from them, that more or less says, "honey, we decided you just don't slutty enough. so merry christmas, you tramp!"
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
holiday talk
ace: 'twas the night before christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse ...
because a psychopathic killer broke in
and slaughtered every living creature as they slept.
deuce: nice one, you crazy bastard.
ace: well, too many goddamn people are full of too much goddamn holiday cheer. i thought i would bring them back down to earth.
deuce: and not get their hopes up? or knock them down if they are up? do you do that because your hopes have been shattered too many times into too many pieces too numerous to count? just because you're bitter and broken, don't bring down other people during a time when a lot of people are nicer than usual. and that includes us.
ace: yeah. maybe. ok. but i will say this: during christmas time, retailers see you as a wallet with legs.
deuce: yeah, that's true. but i won't let that get me down. that is their attitude. i have a different one. i'm trying not to let the outside attitudes overly influence me.
ace: there's one thing i like about christmas. it's a time when people don't care if you eat, drink and be merry; especially if they're cross dresser.
deuce: good one.
ace: yeah. i see that you've indulged a bit.
deuce: i'll admit i have a gut. it's not a six pack -- it's more like a pony keg. but at least it's not a 55 gallon drum.
ace: they say the lord helps those who help themselves. and lord knows you're going to take second and third helpings of those holiday goodies -- like gingerbreak cookies, rum cakes, candy canes, and whatever else out there that is sweet and fattening.
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse ...
because a psychopathic killer broke in
and slaughtered every living creature as they slept.
deuce: nice one, you crazy bastard.
ace: well, too many goddamn people are full of too much goddamn holiday cheer. i thought i would bring them back down to earth.
deuce: and not get their hopes up? or knock them down if they are up? do you do that because your hopes have been shattered too many times into too many pieces too numerous to count? just because you're bitter and broken, don't bring down other people during a time when a lot of people are nicer than usual. and that includes us.
ace: yeah. maybe. ok. but i will say this: during christmas time, retailers see you as a wallet with legs.
deuce: yeah, that's true. but i won't let that get me down. that is their attitude. i have a different one. i'm trying not to let the outside attitudes overly influence me.
ace: there's one thing i like about christmas. it's a time when people don't care if you eat, drink and be merry; especially if they're cross dresser.
deuce: good one.
ace: yeah. i see that you've indulged a bit.
deuce: i'll admit i have a gut. it's not a six pack -- it's more like a pony keg. but at least it's not a 55 gallon drum.
ace: they say the lord helps those who help themselves. and lord knows you're going to take second and third helpings of those holiday goodies -- like gingerbreak cookies, rum cakes, candy canes, and whatever else out there that is sweet and fattening.
Friday, December 5, 2008
special today -- TWO pieces of cheesecake
hey, it's the weekend. so for you, i serve this piece of cheesecake:
i might've faked out some of you with this picture of a fine piece of dessert. i found it on flickr.
this is more like it:
it took me a while to find a picture of a pretty lady posting as one of santa's helper elves -- at least one who wasn't topless.
so here are two pieces of cheesecake for you. go ahead and take them both. indulge yourself for once.
if they make you fatter -- well, you can always start losing weight as part of your new year's resolutions.
in the meantime, i'll be working on some things off the net. i plan to post them here later this month.
(by the way, i found the picture of santa's helper at lollipoplingerie.com.)
i might've faked out some of you with this picture of a fine piece of dessert. i found it on flickr.
this is more like it:
it took me a while to find a picture of a pretty lady posting as one of santa's helper elves -- at least one who wasn't topless.
so here are two pieces of cheesecake for you. go ahead and take them both. indulge yourself for once.
if they make you fatter -- well, you can always start losing weight as part of your new year's resolutions.
in the meantime, i'll be working on some things off the net. i plan to post them here later this month.
(by the way, i found the picture of santa's helper at lollipoplingerie.com.)
Thursday, December 4, 2008
crazy christmas clothes guy
christmas is atime for peace on earth and good will toward men -- and i wish you would especially give some good will to one man:
the guy at work who wears those crazy christmas clothes to the office during the holidays.
yeah -- THAT GUY.
sometimes, he'll wear a tie with either santa claus, a reindeer, or a snowman on it.
also, he'll often wear a vest -- one side green, the other side red -- with either santa claus, a reindeer, or a snowman on it. and sometimes, his vest will have all three of them on it; that's the hat trick of crazy christmas clothes.
and if he's really styling, he'll wear one red sock and one green sock.
(admit it -- you and your office buddies would bet on what days he would wear what combination of clothes.)
you know his wife made those clothes for him; you can't buy them at any store. that means she's a very devoted and loving wife -- and just as crazy as he is.
granted, the crazy christmas clothes guy is annoying -- but he's harmless. he's been working there for 40 years and is nearing retirement.
but let his actions be a warning to you. they show that if you work there as long as he did, you'll go crazy, too.
so right after the new year, i'd recommend that you start looking for a new job -- if you haven't been laid off.
the guy at work who wears those crazy christmas clothes to the office during the holidays.
yeah -- THAT GUY.
sometimes, he'll wear a tie with either santa claus, a reindeer, or a snowman on it.
also, he'll often wear a vest -- one side green, the other side red -- with either santa claus, a reindeer, or a snowman on it. and sometimes, his vest will have all three of them on it; that's the hat trick of crazy christmas clothes.
and if he's really styling, he'll wear one red sock and one green sock.
(admit it -- you and your office buddies would bet on what days he would wear what combination of clothes.)
you know his wife made those clothes for him; you can't buy them at any store. that means she's a very devoted and loving wife -- and just as crazy as he is.
granted, the crazy christmas clothes guy is annoying -- but he's harmless. he's been working there for 40 years and is nearing retirement.
but let his actions be a warning to you. they show that if you work there as long as he did, you'll go crazy, too.
so right after the new year, i'd recommend that you start looking for a new job -- if you haven't been laid off.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
accessorizing nativity scenes
unlike a lot of people, i don't get up in arms about nativity scenes on public or government property. i doubt they truly get a person to convert to christianity.
but whenver i see one on public or government property, i have the desire to add a little extra to it:
but whenver i see one on public or government property, i have the desire to add a little extra to it:
- a bottle of schnappes for the shepherds and wise men, because it gets cold at nights.
- cigars for joseph, so he can hand them out as the proud papa.
- diapers for mary, because she's going to need them.
- and one of those rental signs with a picture of a stork on it and a caption that says: IT'S A BOY.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
recommended holiday gifts
it's hard to comprehend that the holiday season is here.
it's harder to comprehend that christmas will be only three weeks and five weeks from today.
i plan to post some things about the holidays as the season progresses. this is the first one; it's about a few recommended holidays gifts.
i strongly believe every household should that these two things.
the first is a good dictionary, preferably clothbound (or hardback, if you prefer). i use merriam-webster's collegiate dictionary, 11th edition, and personally recommend it because i've used it and appreciated it since i was in college.
the second is an almanac. i recommend the world almanac to be used as a smaller and alternate encyclopedia and history book. i used to buy a new one every year, but this year i'll keep the 2008 edition that i have now.
the third is optional. it's the book junk english by ken smith. read it and use it to clean and clear your writing. i bought my copy in 2002 or 2003. i don't know if it's still in print; if it isn't, you can probably buy it through a bookselling service on the internet. if it is, then i bet you can get it at a nearby barnes and noble or borders.
it's harder to comprehend that christmas will be only three weeks and five weeks from today.
i plan to post some things about the holidays as the season progresses. this is the first one; it's about a few recommended holidays gifts.
i strongly believe every household should that these two things.
the first is a good dictionary, preferably clothbound (or hardback, if you prefer). i use merriam-webster's collegiate dictionary, 11th edition, and personally recommend it because i've used it and appreciated it since i was in college.
the second is an almanac. i recommend the world almanac to be used as a smaller and alternate encyclopedia and history book. i used to buy a new one every year, but this year i'll keep the 2008 edition that i have now.
the third is optional. it's the book junk english by ken smith. read it and use it to clean and clear your writing. i bought my copy in 2002 or 2003. i don't know if it's still in print; if it isn't, you can probably buy it through a bookselling service on the internet. if it is, then i bet you can get it at a nearby barnes and noble or borders.
Friday, November 28, 2008
toby cat
since it's the holiday season, i'll give everything on earth some brotherly love.
but there was one creature for which i never did. it was toby, my mother's cat. there was no lost love between he and me.
now if curiosity killed the cat, then stupidity definitely got toby stuck in a tree. at least one year, he was stuck in the same tree at three different times.
that was how he spent some of his nine lives. the other lives he spent either eating, sleeping, or giving off a bad attitude.
i was at my parents' house one december many years ago when i came across toby sleeping on a couch. he woke, saw me, and yawned widely. then he closed his eyes into slits and gave me a very dirty look.
he did that because i had interrupted a very important nap in his day. it was his fifth nap. that was the one where he got his beauty rest.
then he got up, hissed and arched his back. if i remember correctly, he started to scratch at the air with one of his front paws.
he was acting like he was some badass lion on the serenghetti plains of africa trying to scare me away. but i wasn't impressed with his pisspoor imitation.
"hey, toby," i said, "i want to find out of cats really land on their feet after a fall. you wanna go up on the roof and help me find out?"
he heard me. i know he did because he jumped off the couch and walked out of the room.
but before he left, he lifted his tail to show me what to kiss and where it was.
but there was one creature for which i never did. it was toby, my mother's cat. there was no lost love between he and me.
now if curiosity killed the cat, then stupidity definitely got toby stuck in a tree. at least one year, he was stuck in the same tree at three different times.
that was how he spent some of his nine lives. the other lives he spent either eating, sleeping, or giving off a bad attitude.
i was at my parents' house one december many years ago when i came across toby sleeping on a couch. he woke, saw me, and yawned widely. then he closed his eyes into slits and gave me a very dirty look.
he did that because i had interrupted a very important nap in his day. it was his fifth nap. that was the one where he got his beauty rest.
then he got up, hissed and arched his back. if i remember correctly, he started to scratch at the air with one of his front paws.
he was acting like he was some badass lion on the serenghetti plains of africa trying to scare me away. but i wasn't impressed with his pisspoor imitation.
"hey, toby," i said, "i want to find out of cats really land on their feet after a fall. you wanna go up on the roof and help me find out?"
he heard me. i know he did because he jumped off the couch and walked out of the room.
but before he left, he lifted his tail to show me what to kiss and where it was.
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