Happy Valentines

All right...

Just to prove I'm no grump, I wish all of you a happy Valentine's Day...especially if you have a special someone to share the day.

And here's my valentine to the world.

(In case you don't know, that is Hobbes the tiger from Bill Watterson's comic Calvin and Hobbes, giving all of you the heart sign.)

Love And Potatoes

with valentine's day a week and a half away, i thought i'd post this. it's somewhat offbeat, i admit, but appropriate in its way.

*

if you say 'my love is like a red, red rose,' i disagree.

if you ask why, here are some reasons.

roses only last like a couple of weeks; that is, if you leave them in water. and they really only exist to be pretty. so if you say 'my love is like a red, red rose,' that's like saying 'my love for you is temporary and transitory and based solely on appearance.'

but a potato is entirely different...and in some ways better.

potatoes last for a long time. in fact, they actually sprout even if you just leave them in the sack. that part alone makes it a good symbol. it means, 'my love grows even when i'm alone.'

but wait; there's more!

there are so many ways to enjoy a potato; you can even make a battery with it! here's a link to show how it's done. that's like saying 'i have many ways in which i show my love for you.'

try doing that with a rose.

potatoes are somewhat plain, but to compare your love to one is like saying 'it doesn't matter at all what you look like, i'll still love you.'

(photo from chan4chan.com)

Two Poems About Marriage

I didn't write these. I found them on the net.

In
her $667.16
satin wedding gear
she said,
"I do!"
and high heeled
it
to the champaign.

By the way, I believe $667 and change for a satin wedding dress and accessories is very cheap. The poem must've been written when that amount was a high price.

Marriage
is
two
people in love
standing
in
the same
bathroom.

About The Ladies

Ace: Hey, do you want to hear something?

Deuce: What?

Ace: The sound of someone spitting up -- PL-PL-PL-PL-FEW!

Deuce: Jesus, you fucking idiot! Watch it!

Ace: At least I didn't spit anything up and out and onto the floor.

Deuce: Shit like that is why you're a loser with the ladies. Remember that girl you told me about? You took her out on a date last month. How did that go, anyway?

Ace: Not so well. She had sensuously plump lips, beautiful enough to kiss. And I wanted to do that slowly and for a long, long time. But she wouldn't let me. She said, "You don't know me." I said, "You won't let me know you. Why not?"

Deuce: You said that on the first date?

Ace: Yep.

Deuce: Too soon, Lothario.

Ace: But if she had let herself know me, she would've found out that I'm sensitive. I notice the lightness of cotton candy, butterfly wings, and the hopes and dreams of all small children. And I also noticed that the sky sometimes is not pearl gray, but a pastel gray. A lot of people don't see that; they think pastel colors are in blue or pink. But I see it.

Deuce: Oh well ... her loss ... I guess.

Ace: You guess so. I know so.

Deuce: You miss Dee, don't you?

Ace: A great woman.

Deuce: She hung around for a while. I guess she could tolerate you.

Ace: She dug it when I said, "Dog me, dog my love."

Deuce: Your dog?

Ace: Yeah -- the mad dog on the night train.

Deuce: If I remember rightly, your love life was pretty good.

Ace: Yeah. I once asked her, "Let's take a trip to the dark side, and I'll be your tour guide." Another time, I said, "Sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up."

Deuce: Damn. She was pretty open.

Ace: Yeah.

Deuce: O well ... things change.

Ace: I remember one time when we were sitting side by side on a couch, watching a movie with Cameron Diaz in it. Our arms were touching. We turned to each other at the same time and started French kissing -- pretty hot and heavy. I knew I could fuck her. I started to take off her clothes when, all of a sudden, Cameron crawled out of the television set. She asked if she could join us and we said yes -- definitely. She took off her clothes. We were all naked and they were licking me all over when I woke up.

Deuce: I bet you're pissed that something like it never happened in real life.

Ace: And while we're talking, I have a question: If the apex is the highest point, is the zeepex the lowest?

Deuce: It doesn't work that way.

Ace: O well, it's time for the first fifth ...

Deuce: Of the day, you goddamn alcoholic?

Ace: No. Of the week, perhaps ...

Stealing A Kiss

Dave had just perfected what he thought was a slick move to steal a kiss from a woman.

On a day with Anne, he told her, "I think there's something in your eye. Let me get it out for you."

There wasn't anything in her eye. But as he leaned in to try to get it ...

He stuck his finger in her eye.

Dave had to take Anne to the hospital. He had hoped the date wouldn't end in the emergency room -- he had hoped it might've ended in her living room with a hot make-out session, on in her bedroom with some hot sex.

She had to get an eye patch for her injury.

There would be no second date -- obviously.

A week later, Dave saw Anne. She was still wearing the eyepatch.

With her still-good, uncovered eye, she gave him one of those looks that would've killed him if they could've done so.
*
Is there a statue of limitations for stealing a kiss?

A lot of guys have tried to steal a kiss from the object of their affections. In response, they committed assault and battery upon those guys.

That's a time where the punishment did not fit the crime.

True Hates

In the book Love and Will, the psychologist Rollo May said:

Hate is not the opposite of love; indifference is.

How true. If there's hate for something, there's still some emotional attachment.

For example, I love the National Football League, but I don't hate soccer. In fact, I'm indifferent to it.

If love is a feeling of Live Forever, hate is a feeling of Die Now -- No, Die Yesterday.

A Girl And Her Dog

J.T. once dated a woman who owned a dog.

She always showed the dog more affection that him, and that ticked him off.

One time, when he picked her up for a date, she gave him a little kiss on the cheek and said, "Hi, J.T. Let's go."

When they got back, the dog came up to the door to greet them. He rolled onto his back, put his legs in the air, and showed his belly.

She scratched the dog's belly and said, in a baby-talk voice, "Oh, how's my boy? How's my big boy?"

So J.T. got on his back and put his legs in the air.

But she did nothing.

Each of them said they broke up with the other person.

Let Me Count The Ways

I once broke up with a woman. After a week had passed, she wanted to get back together.

I told her, "Honey, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

"Zero ... nada ... zilch ... none ... no way ... nein ... nyet."

That was seven ways of nothing. So seven times zero equals zero.

I think she got the message, because she went on her way and I haven't seen her since.

Some Possible Friends Of Your Girlfriend

When you're dating a woman, you might get involved with her friends.

If you do, beware of those friends who have been impregnanted and/or incarcerated.

In other words, they've been either knocked up or locked up.

code words

say you're with your wife/girlfriend/significant other/main squeeze/whatever.

both of you see another woman.

when your wife/girlfriend/etc asks you, "do you think she's pretty?" she wants to know if you want to fuck her seven ways 'til sunday.

it's best to say no and mention exaggerate any small imperfections she may have.

if you say yes, you add the other woman is probably frigid or a lesbian.

a forecast for valentine's day

tomorrow is valentine's day. i'll probably be spending it alone at home, watching television.

i have no wife. i have no girlfriend. i don't even have a lady friend who'd give me a sympathy swive.

but don't feel sorry for me.

i haven't spent anything on a card. i haven't bought a gift or two. i won't spend anything for dinner and entertainment tomorrow.

i'll be saving money. that's a good thing during the current economic situation.
*
i'm posting this today instead of saturday because i want to get it out of the way.

addenum, february 18: yes, i spent valentine's day watching television. but i didn't watch cops and america's most wanted on fox, as i usually do. instead, i watched three reruns of law and order that nbc broadcast.

intimate acts

recently i read this on the internet:

sexual intercourse is the most intimate act that two people can do.

i disagree.

when two people talk, with all defenses down, all hopes and fears and loves and hates as potential subjects, without fear of sounding or seeming foolish or silly or pompous or pretentious ...that is the most intimate act that two people can do.

it's the male in me that led me to that conclusion. sometimes sexual intercourse can just be rutting. there's little intimacy in that.

now if you have good foreplay, sexual intercourse done with at least affection, and a no-holds-barred talk afterwards -- that's a trifecta of intimacy!