Friday, December 4, 2009

Anger And Cynicism

I'd rather be angry than cynical. If I'm angry, it means that I care. It's a warped form of hope.

Cynics are the clock watchers and time servers of life and society. If things aren't going to get better, why not kill yourself? Why stick around?

I say this to cynics: Leave. Put yourself out of your misery -- and us out of our misery when we're around you.

Oh, some people might be sad because of your death, but they're just fools and suckers.

Also, a cynic will exploit people. An angry person won't. An angry man won't associate with knaves and fools, no matter how much he can benefit from them.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Some Offbeat Christmas Carols

For schizophrenics:
Do you hear what I hear?

For people with multiple personality disorders:
We three kings disoriented are ...

For narcissists:
Hark the herald angels sing -- only for me!

For manic people:
Deck the halls and walls and houses and lawns and streets and sidewalks and stores and offices and buildings and towns and cities and cars and buses and trucks and trees and bushes and cats and dogs ...

For depressed people:
Santa Claus is coming? What for?

For paranoids:
Santa Claus is coming ... for ME!

For people with attention deficit disorders:
Silent night, holy night ... oooooh, look at the nativity scene ... pretty! ... awwwww baby Jesus awwwww ... aw mother mary aw ... chocolate! ... eggnog! ... yeah, I want some ... hey, why is Santa's suit red?

For people with obsessive compulsive disorders:
Jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells ...

The Pick Up, And A Shameful Transaction

Hedges once picked up a girl in a bar.

"Hey, ya wanna ... sleep with me?" she asked him.

"Sure," he said. He was desperate and she wasn't fat or ugly.

"Let's go to your place," she said.

However, he was impotent and she had passed out, so they didn't fuck that night.

When Hedges woke up, he said, "I got a headache!"

She said, "Shit -- I got a HELL of a headache."

He said, "So ya don't wanna ..."

She said, "No. But -- can ya get me some aspirin for my headache? And some water to wash it down?"

He said, "Let's make a bargain."
Sometimes prostitution doesn't involve only money. It might involve such goods as a painkiller, some water to wash it down, and a glass.

A Student's Recollection

He remembered the teacher in the fall of his sixth-grade school year.

The teacher -- call him Mr. J. -- was an old man -- at least in his 50, He had gray-black hair slicked back by some pomade that the neon lights on the ceiling of the classroom made shiny.

Mr. J. once told two girls who were talking away in class: "You sound like two New York Jews on a street corner going vutt vutt vitty vitty vutt vutt."

He said it at least once, maybe twice or three times.

Mr. J. was replaced for the second semester of the school year. He didnj't know why, because the powers that be gave no explanation. But as he thought of it later, it probably was for that anti-Semitic outburst.

Ironically, Mr. J. wore a white shirt with buttonless collars, a black tie and a black suit -- somewhat like Hasidic dress.

Hitler And Stalin -- Contrasts

Hitler was mass-murderer crazy -- that is, he would go into a place and spray everyone there with bullets.

Stalin was serial-killer crazy -- that is, very secretive and furtive.

Hitler never had the atomic bomb, so we don't know definitely if he would've used it. But I believe he would have.

Stalin did have the atomic bomb, but he never used it -- and neither did any of the other men who followed him as rulers of the Soviet Union.

So you could say one thing about that. The communists were tyrannical bastards -- but SANE tyrannical bastards.

Proverbs ... Or Not

A first-grade teacher collected some well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the rest of it.

Their insights may surprise you.

While reading them, please remember that they are first-grade students -- kids 5 to 6 years old.

Better to be safe than ...
Punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ...
Bug is close.

It's always darkest before ...
Daylight Savings Time

Never underestimate the power of ...

You can lead a horse to water but ...

Don't bite the hand that ...
looks dirty.

No news is ...

A miss is as good as a ...

You can't teach an old dog new ...

If you like down with dogs, you'll ...
Stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the ...

An idle mind is ...
The best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's ...

Happy the bride who ...
Gets all the presents.

A penny saved is ...
Not that much.

Two's company, three's ...
The Musketeers.

Don't put off 'til tomorrow what ...
You put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and ...
You have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as ...
Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not ...
Spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed ...
Get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind ...
Get out of the way!

Better late than ...

Economical Politics

I remember, when I was a newspaper reporter back in the late 1970s, one certain politico -- I'll call her B.G., because those are her initials -- talk about people -- and potential voters -- as "the taxpayers."

As far as I know, she never called them constituents or, more importantly, citizens.

When you call folks taxpayers, it's equating them with customers or consumers, and you put a dollar sign -- or many of them -- on public life.

You can be bought. You probably will be bought. And you probably have been bought.

Equal Opportunities

In April of this year, I was in line at a book store on the northeast side of Indianapolis. I was behind a young black woman who was carrying a musical instrument in a pack on her back.

I asked her, "Is that a cello?"

She answered, "No. It's an acoustic guitar," with a snotty sound in her voice.

I thought: The only black woman who's licensed to carry an acoustic guitar and allowed to sing folks music is Tracy Chapman.

Then I thought: Hey, with the advancement in civil rights, black people how have the chance to sing boring, offkey, mediocre and unoriginal songs at open mics -- just like any white person.

America -- ain't it grand?