Sunday, April 24, 2011

Guidelines For Times In The Day

For 11 a.m.
1. It's a strange time of day because it's not truly morning but not yet afternoon.
2. Any meal eaten after then is lunch. It is NOT breakfast or brunch.

3. Any all-day project you start before then should be completed. If you haven't started it by then, put it off until tomorrow, at the earliest.

For 2 p.m.
1. Any food eaten after that is a snack. It's too late for lunch and too early for dinner.
2. Any nap should start no later than 2:30 p.m. and last no longer than 45 minutes.

For 5 p.m.
1. It's the start of the evening, which will last until whenever the sun goes down over the horizon. And 4:50 p.m. is not the evening; it's late afternoon.

More will come as I think of them.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Three Observations About English

1. Offensive tackles are misnamed. Their purpose on is to keep the ball carrier from getting tackled.

2. Women are often compared, sometimes unfavorably, to cats. But if you want to truly insult a woman, call her a bitch.

3. The K sound (as in Kansas) is represented in four letters of the alphabet: C, K, Q, and X.

As long as these differences and discrepancies are around, I'll never get tired of reading about English. Often, I'll write about things like that in this blog.

Friday, April 22, 2011

His Father's Hat

He got up from the chair and looked for his father's old hat.

He found it in the closet in the same room. He took it and sat back down in the chair.

His uncle, his mother's brother, had kept it and had given it to him a month ago.

He held it in his hands and thought:

I've never known my father in all my years. But thanks to the Internet, I've found him now. And I'll be meeting him in a few days.

Thank you, Internet, for finally accomplishing something for me.

Pi/e Time

Locke woke up three nights in a row.

Every time, he looked at the digital clock next to his bed and saw these numerals, big and glowing red:


On the third night, he thought:

It's pi time...wonder why i didn't notice that before...I was gonna go to the kitchen and get a piece of pie...but i remembered i don't have any here...

Monday, April 18, 2011

Semper Fi Suicide

Dave wanted to kill myself in the worst way. And that was in more ways than one.

Once, he shot himself in the chest. When he survived that, the medical people called it a miracle.

He also stabbed himself several times. He lost a dangerous amount of blood but lived.

He also slit his throat and was declared dead. But when he was in the morgue he woke up.

Then Dave decided to join the U.S. Marine Corps. He had an idea on how to make a successful suicide attempt.

He would wait until he was deployed overseas. There, in either Iraq or Afghanistan, he would be killed by a car bomb while he was trying to save some of his fellow Marines.

If things happened that way, his family would get benefits and his younger brother could get a scholarship to college. He's also be called a hero for his actions, which would make everyone happy.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Gerunds And Consequences

He was fucking her.

As she lay flat on her back, he held her ankles and spread her legs as wide as possible. He liked it that way because it showed that he was fucking her, that his cock was going deep in her pussy.

You could say he was drilling her, hammering her, nailing her, plowing her, pounding her, screwing her, spearing her: All of those gerunds of aggression, if not violence, often used to describe sexual intercourse, especially when one partner wants to orgasm without concern for the sexual desires of his (usually) partner.

As he said, "Take it all, you hot little fuck. You know you want it..."

He came.

Three years later, he met his son...the one he had fathered that moment...the one he never knew he had...

So he must have plowed her, because he had planted a seed that had grown.