Monday, November 23, 2009

O Sole Mio!

Giovanni Bellovoce, the famous Italian tenor, agreed to undergo acupuncture to cure some recurring headaches he was suffering.

One needle was put into his scalp. He sang, "O sole mio ..."

A second needle was put in. He sang, "O sole ... "

A third needle was put in. He sang, "O ... o ... o ... "

After the fourth needle was put in, he began to sing, "Don't break my heart, my achy breaky heart ... "

Dating A Jewish Woman

Smitty used to date a Jewish woman. He liked her, but he got a secret thrill from dating a woman outside his religion and ethnicity.

One time, when they were making love, he was satisfying her so successfully that she yelled out, "O God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob!"

And when she climaxed, she said, "Holy Moses! I've been to the Promised Land!"

And one time during pillow talk after making love, she told him, "Jesus was just all right with me. He's just not all that, OK?"

Transactions By Gender

A lot of women have a hard time doing impersonal transactions.

For example, when they go to their local bank, they often go to a specific teller, or what to go to that teller.

They think: Oh, Molly's busy. I like her. I'll wait for her to get free. But I won't go to Mary Ann. She's a bitch!

A lot of men aren't like that. Their thoughts about transactions are a lot like their thoughts about sex: If you know them, that's OK, but you do it anyway.

Women, at the least, have to like them a little.

Take Me To Manhattan

Rick The Hick had saved his pennies, nickles, and dimes -- along with a few quarters -- until he finally had enough money to do what he had wanted to do since he was a teenager:

Take a trip to New York City.

He took the train from his small, rural midwestern town to Grand Central Station.

Once he was off the train, he got outside the station and hailed a taxi.

He got into a taxi and told the cabbie:

"Take me to Manhattan!"

The cabbie turned around and said:

"Buddy boy, this IS Manhattan."

He then added:

"Did you say that to see if I was awake? And if I understood English?"

Past Actions, Future Predictions

Those who are abused -- in the future, they abuse.

Those who were teased -- in their future, they tease.

Those who were molested -- in their future, they molest.

Sometimes, I wonder why this is, especially for molestation.

One reason, I believe, is this:

Subconsciously, the molester who was molested definitely isn't happy. And when he see happy children, he's often jealous of their happiness and wants to take it from them.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Possession Porn

The Christmas holiday season is coming up on us. Retailers are starting earlier than usual to make up for terrible sales last year. Word has leaked out about specials that will be offered at Best Buy, Target, and WalMart.

With all this emphasis on possessions, I'll note this:

I used to enjoy looking at the gift catalogs that my parents used to receive. One I especially wanted to see was from Nieman Marcus, the very upscale department store in Dallas.

That catalog was what I'd call possession porn or what the writer Tom Wolfe would call plutography -- writings about wealth that raise emotions.

I looked at the items in the Nieman Marcus catalog. I wouldn't buy most of them because of they were out of my price range. Besides, I didn't want them.

It was a lot like looking at women on a web porn site. I couldn't screw most of them because they were out of my price range. Most of them, however, I wanted.

There's one big difference between pornography and plutography.

On the internet, some companies charge $29.95 a month -- or even more -- to look at pictures of naked women. No company that I know of charges anything to look at pictures of luxury cars, jewelry, and expensive geegaws on the net.

(By the way, my father never ordered anything from Nieman Marcus.)

Green Eggs And Hamlet

This verse must be the bastard stepchild of Shakespeare and Dr. Suess:

I ask to be, or not to be.
That is the question, I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.
Would I , could I, take my life?
Could I, should I, end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself before a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try self immolation?
To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it end my angst or end my wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
I could drop a toaster in my tub.
Would all be glad if I were dead?
Could I perhaps kill them instead?
This line of thought takes consideration,
For I'm the king of procrastination.

Stealing A Kiss

Dave had just perfected what he thought was a slick move to steal a kiss from a woman.

On a day with Anne, he told her, "I think there's something in your eye. Let me get it out for you."

There wasn't anything in her eye. But as he leaned in to try to get it ...

He stuck his finger in her eye.

Dave had to take Anne to the hospital. He had hoped the date wouldn't end in the emergency room -- he had hoped it might've ended in her living room with a hot make-out session, on in her bedroom with some hot sex.

She had to get an eye patch for her injury.

There would be no second date -- obviously.

A week later, Dave saw Anne. She was still wearing the eyepatch.

With her still-good, uncovered eye, she gave him one of those looks that would've killed him if they could've done so.
Is there a statue of limitations for stealing a kiss?

A lot of guys have tried to steal a kiss from the object of their affections. In response, they committed assault and battery upon those guys.

That's a time where the punishment did not fit the crime.

Medical Costs

Do you know why medical costs are so high?

Well, when you need to go to an emergency room, you can't really shop around.

Say you get hit in the head, or have a stroke or heart attack, or you've cut yourself and you're bleeding heavily.

You want to go to the nearest emergency room as soon as you can. You can't really do comparison shopping.

Or if you go to Dr. A, he gives you one diagnosis. Then do you go to Dr. B and get another diagnosis? And if they are different, do you pay for the one you don't want?

Examples of this are:
  • Sunburn vs. skin cancer;
  • A bad cough from bronchitis vs. lung cancer.

Life And Leaves

Life and leaves --
in autumn, both on the ground,
brown, yellow, red, orange, in piles
small and large,
and the trees are naked.
It's kind of embarassing to see
branches with no protection.
You remember the difference
between naked and nude,
and you remember
the girl, the copper head,
the copper top,
the brown/yellow/red/orange hair,
so nice in her short haircut,
white turtleneck, blue pullover,
and the way she wrinkled her nose
when you told one of your bad jokes.
She's kind of skinny, but
you'd like to see her nude
and do all the intimate
things that can happen
between a man and a woman.
But such reveries are best
for spring -- not autumn,
when the leaves are on the ground
and you have other things
to do with your time
like get your storeroom filled
with your choice of nuts
for the winter, upcoming.

Capital Punishment ...

I'm not against it. I believe that, for some crimes, the guilty owe a life as a punishment.

One of those crimes is murder -- an eye for an eye, a life for a life.

Others are treason and crimes of sexual coercion, such as rape or child sexual abuse.

But if governments ban capital punishment, I wouldn't be against that. Life in prison is a good alternative punishment for the guilty.

Pray, Mantis

For what, pray tell, does a praying mantis pray?

Fresh blades of grass to eat?

A hot lady mantis for mating?

A healthy green sheen on his carapace?

No birds around to eat him?

No humans around to step on him?

I'm sure he's thankful that he's not a germ or a dung beetle. To give thanks is one reason to pray.

But what if a praying mantis is an atheist or an agnostic? What does he pray for then?

Or what is a praying mantis would rather be a playing mantis? If he is, what game would he rather be playing?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Jewish And Other Delis

Isn't the term Jewish deli redundent -- like striped zebra?

I've never heard of a Methodist or Baptist or Catholic deli.

I've heard of a Hindu deli ... it's a new one, though.

Lucking Fuvly

Sometimes Ted stumbled for words.

A neurologist told him that, when he was tired or nervous, his brain often mixed up the vowles and consonents in words.

When Ted heard that, he said:

"Well, that's lucking fuvly! That's a doddgamm bunch of shull bit!"

After Ted read a book about the Third Reich and all the atrocities committed during it, all he could say was:

"Those nucking fatzis! Those crucking fouts!"

A Productive Member Of Society

Recently, I found another letter from my friend Frank, who often sends me some screeds. I humor him by keeping them and posting them at this blog.

He wrote is early in 2008, obviously before Obama was elected president.

people friends and family members especially ask me Frank when are you going to become A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY ... and i tell them folks, let's review ... for the last eight years, this country had a willfully ignorant, if not stupid, man as stubborn as a mule, as its president ... and as our vice president, we had a man some compared rightly i say to satan himself ... we're in this mess is mesopotamia and things aren't getting better ... we're spending $2 billion a month on it ... the rest of the world hates us because of these two men and their followers and half the time they hate us for every good reasons ... people are unhappy with their lives, but they can't change or won't change because they're up to their eyebrows in debt for a bottomless lust for goods ... or they're afraid to change ... and a lousy economic situation doesn't help either ... people are denying their true calling to please others to whom they give their power of approval ... they're either restlessly running around, filling their minds with worthless busyness and junk culture so they don't have to think or won't have to think or can't think about how miserable they are ... or they act conformist or willfully ignorant like the president unfortunately ... we're poisoning ourselves with pollution ... a man with one joint of marijuana can get life in prison for one joint mind you but a convicted murderer might get out in less than 10 years ... and high members of the current administration will not get one day in the slammer ... and this is the topper, the insult atop the injury ... you have star wars stamps for 41 cents but a stamp for jonas salk who discovered a cure for polio and is the main reason you and i aren't crippled costs 63 cents ... and they want me to be a productive member of THAT society ... i stay away from it as much as i can so i don't add to the mountains of 100 percent bullshit ... hell, if i'm not a DESTRUCTIVE member of this society, i know i'm doing something right ... and the only reason i don't head for the hills is because central indiana has no hills ...

Differences Between Companies

An imagrent once said: "X is my mother country. But Y, where I imagrated to, is my spouse country."

That's an interesting comparison.

That imagrent moved away from an old life to a new one while he still respected the old one.

It's like the old saw: Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.


I've read about technology that will reduce CDs and DVDs to the size of a quarter. To replace the old copies that they own, people must buy the new versions.

Folks, that's an example of what I call crapitalism -- business that's not illegal or immoral, but profits the seller much, much more than the buyer.

Whenever I criticize actions like that, some will say: "What are you -- a communist? Are you against business?"

I reply: "I'm against theft and its first cousin -- ripping people off."

The next supporter of capitalism I learn of who criticizes shitty practices like that will be the first supporter of capitalism I'll learn of.


Here's an example of what I mean:

Ron is selling show cones from a cart in a city park. Joe, his nephew, comes up to him.

The usual, Joe?

Yeah, Uncle Ron ... aww, man, you got the cheap, crappy cones again. They taste like wood!

You don't have to eat them, you know.

When you retire, I'm gonna take over your cart and I'll sell quality cones. No cheap, crappy ones. And I'll make lots of money.

Joe, you have a lot to learn.

Like what?

Quality is only for rich people because they're the only ones with true freedom of choice. Everybody else must pick from what they can afford. And what they can afford means cheap, crappy stuff.

That's not true. My bike is a good bike.

It's not quality. It's value. It's good only for the price your dad paid for it. You think Wal-Mart is big because of the quality of their goods and services? Is McDonald's on top because they have the finest cuts of meat? And say what you want to about my cones, but I sell out this cart every day.

I see. You make your money by deliberately selling mediocre products to people of modest means.

That and Eight Balls.

What's an Eight Ball?

Eat your crappy cone.
This is by L.D. Harrod. I found at And yes -- the site's name has three Rs.

True Hates

In the book Love and Will, the psychologist Rollo May said:

Hate is not the opposite of love; indifference is.

How true. If there's hate for something, there's still some emotional attachment.

For example, I love the National Football League, but I don't hate soccer. In fact, I'm indifferent to it.

If love is a feeling of Live Forever, hate is a feeling of Die Now -- No, Die Yesterday.

The Half Bird

Much of the time, it isn't the big things in life that bother me the most.

It's the little things. They are truly annoying and bothersome.

They aren't worth a full bird -- that is, the middle finger extending from a fist.

They're worth a half bird -- that is, the little finger extending from a fist.

One Mean Pizza

"Hey -- you oughta get a pizza from Iaccobetti!" a friend told me.

"Never heard of them," I said.

"It's a new store. And they make a mean pizza there!"

"Okay. I'll try it."

So one weekend night, I called Iaccobetti's and ordered a pizza -- a large with pepperoni, black olives and mushrooms.

The driver brought it to my home. I paid him and took the pie inside.

On the lid, it said -- "ARE YOU SURE YOU NEED THIS, FAT ASS?"
That's when I woke up.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Jack And Jill, With Other Jottings

If a man can do a lot of things, he's called a jack of all trades. But if a woman can do a lot of things, she's rarely called a jill of all trades.
If male stormtroopers wear jackboots, do female stormtroopers wear jillboots?
You often tell an ignorant man, "You don't know jack!" But you don't tell an ignorant woman, "You don't know jill!"
Men go jacking around, but women don't go jilling around.
Men do -- and often are -- jackoffs.
But if women do the same things, are they jilloffs?
If you want to know if a man is an optimist or a pessimist, show him a picture of a woman in a bikini. If he says she's half naked, he's an optimist. But if she says she half dressed, he's a pessimist.
Success, according to some real estate agents, can be said -- location, location, location.
Another way to say it is -- Caucasian, Caucasian, Caucasian.
Will your friend find a smile in the 25th aisle?
"I won't kiss a man's ass to get in good with him ... it's too unsanitary ... instead, I'd rather bribe him ..."
A mind scrubbing is trying to remove a horrible image from your mind.
When he was younger, he had imaginary friends. He has them now, but the psychologists call them hallucinations.
What did the Jewish Mexican man say when he was surprised?
"Oy! Caramba!"
They were a couple of small spuds in the big, big potato patch of the world.
"That band -- The Frey -- they sound like the bastard spawn of John Mayer and Coldplay."
A person who thought Tuesday got its name because it was the second day of the week ...
While some jobs pay peanuts, some pay worse. They pay peanut shells.
When you're with a black man, when something goes wrong, or you get caught doing something sneaky -- please don't way the jig is up.
Anger and
From a heart
That's broken
And blue.
Some people think life's going to be easy -- that they can pay their dues with a credit card.
People die from complications, but not from simplifications.
The philosopher's cousin asked him if he believed in free will. He said he did because he had no choice.
Anna Maria Warshowski, a native of Krakow, danced at what's often called a gentleman's club. Therefore, she was a Polish stripper using a stripper pole.
He was the type of man who had performance anxiety when he masturbated ...
A friend used to play the guitar. When he's with that woman, he plays the fool.

Aliens And Labor

Ace: Hey, Deuce, look over there!

Deuce: I just see some Hispanic guy. What's so special about him?

Ace: I bet he's an illegal alien.

Deuce: I bet he is. By God, they steal our jobs! If it wasn't for them, I'd be mowing my neighbor's yard!

Ace: Or fixing your neighbor's roof!

Deuce: Or busing a table at a restaurant!

(Reworded from a dialog I found on the net.)

A Girl And Her Dog

J.T. once dated a woman who owned a dog.

She always showed the dog more affection that him, and that ticked him off.

One time, when he picked her up for a date, she gave him a little kiss on the cheek and said, "Hi, J.T. Let's go."

When they got back, the dog came up to the door to greet them. He rolled onto his back, put his legs in the air, and showed his belly.

She scratched the dog's belly and said, in a baby-talk voice, "Oh, how's my boy? How's my big boy?"

So J.T. got on his back and put his legs in the air.

But she did nothing.

Each of them said they broke up with the other person.

Body Parts

Since the world is so uncertain, it's nice to know you can count on some things.

Like your fingers.

And if you take off your shoes, you can count on your toes.
You've heard the expression, "I wouldn't give an arm or a leg for it."

Well, would you give a hand or a foot for it?

How about a finger or a toe for it?

Maybe you'd give a little toe, because it's like the appendix. You don't it to live.

But if you do that, you must remember that you can't count on that toe any more.

Or surely you'd might give a fingernail or a toenail for it.

Store Vs. Shop

Store is a man's word, while shop is a woman's word.

Men go to a store to get stuff. As soon as they get, they're gone.

It's a lot like hunting.

Women go into a shop, stay in it for a while and browse before they buy the things they went to the store to get ... and maybe some other things.

It's a lot like nesting.

For examples: Hardware stores. With a name like that, they appeal mostly to men.

A woman in a hardware store is like a rabbi at a pork barbecue ... or any other fish-out-of-way situation ... like a fish out of water.

An exception to this is the workshop. That's where men take the stuff they bought at the hardware store and make things from it.

Sometimes, they're so busy making stuff that they don't notice their wives or girlfriends have gone to some shops to buy things.

Many times, they pay for those things with the men's money.