Tuesday, March 31, 2009

the beatles as hasbeens

during the fall of 1965, i was listening to the beatles' song help! when i thought:

i bet they're going to go out of style, because all their music is starting to sound the same.

this was before they released rubber soul, revolver, sgt. pepper, and the rest of their oeuvre as a group.

how sophisticated an opinion for a 12-year-old kid. and as i look back -- how seriously mistaken.
i remembered this and noted it in december 2003 while i was listening to the beatles on an indianapolis oldies station.

a surrealist's things-to-do list

  • get shirts at dry cleaners
  • buy milk, butter, eggs, razor blades, vitamins, absinthe -- use coupons!
  • adjust kalaidescope eyes
  • pay elec. bill
  • call mon about aunt hazel's operation -- see if her spleen still available
  • reconfigure clouds as hippoes, and vice versa
  • call charlie about harper's party sat. nite
  • totally derange senses
  • catch pacers-celtics game on tv, if enough time

Saturday, March 21, 2009

twitter twitter twitter

for many people, twitter is the new rage/hot thing/soup de jour on the internet.

twitter is a place where you can post your latest thoughts or musings in 140 characters -- that includes spaces -- or less to a central site so people can read them.

i'm definitely not going to use it because it's truly and deeply narcissistic.

but this use of twitter by this guy truly takes the cake.

Friday, March 20, 2009

killer biscuits on the loose

this is a little something i made of a picture and a news story.

i found both of them on the internet
, combined them for my amusement, and present it to you for your perusal.

tv viewing patterns

i'm glad i don't have either cable television or a satellite dish. if i had either, i know i'd spend time -- a lot more than usual -- watching tv.

if i had either, i know the weather channel would be my first channel of choice. as you can tell, i've posted many times about the weather, so it interests me. the weather channel would change my fascination with it into an addiction. plus, it has a lot of attractive ladies on camera.

other channels i know i'd watch include:
  • espn and all its satellite channels, because i do follow sports;
  • wgn america, at least during baseball season for broadcasts of the chicago cubs;
  • amc and tbs for movies;
  • tnt for law and order reruns. i'm a big jerry orbach fan. rip, good sir;
  • e! for gossip and entertainent news;
  • comedy central
  • and discovery channel, for mythbusters and shows where guys would blow up things.
i would not watch the cable "news" channels that much. two or more with different opinions about a topic yelling and screaming at each other is not "news." it's terrible discourse.

i remember what some people wrote back in the 1950s and 1960s about television and its influence. they derided and decried it; that was when usually three to five channels were broadcast in an area -- mostly in black and white.

these days, i bet those people would go crazy with the thousands of channels now available -- and all of them broadcasting in color.

spring arrives

to mark the start of spring, which starts today, i post the dance, a painting by the french artist henri matisse, on display at the museum of modern art, new york.

it's a compositional study of a similiar painting, which is on display at the hermitage in st. petersburg, russia.

and this, according to wikianswers.com, is why spring is starting today:

Spring comes in between the 19th to the 23rd of March and at different times. It changes on a yearly basis because the first official day of spring is ... when the sun is directly above the equator. It rises due east and sets due west and does not do so on the exact same day every year since the calendar is not exactly 365 precise days every single year. In 2009 ... the sun will be above the equator and crossing to the northern hemisphere around 11:45 p.m.

it's early, true. but better early than late and better late than never.

and as i post this, the temperature is in the low 30s -- definitely not most people imagine spring at all.

Monday, March 16, 2009

today's slice of cheesecake

eh -- enough of the gloom and doom. here's a slice of cheesecake for today.

it's julianne nicholson, who plays detective megan wheeler in the television show law and order: criminal intent, which is shown on the usa network.

she's quite the cutie. i'm a sucker for women with short auburn colored hair. AND i'm especially a huge sucker if they have freckles; think of them as cinnamon sprinkled all over.

the reverse apocalypse

here's another dispatch from my friend frank. it came in the mail about two weeks ago:

if mankind was to disappear we would see the reverse apocalypse ... or we would not see it because we would not be around ... o well god and the angels would see it .. anyway it would go like this ... instead of the yellow red and oranges of the fires predicted by the book of revelations or the twilight of the gods what would come would be the green of the plants the blue of the sky the clear silver of the waters the white of the clouds ... it would not be sudden ... it would be growing slowly gravely as it were because a bomb is sudden and quick because of the explosion of and expansion of energy ... it's an event ... but the reverse apocalypse is a process which really as far as we know never started or we do not know when it started and we see no end to it ... and i am blocked and i do not know where to go with the comparison and contrast ... but i will say this ... there are people in this world this country this state this city hell even in this building some of them in this room who believe the apocalypse is coming and coming soon ... and the more influence they have and they closer they are to nukes and controlling them ... lord help us all because they are antilife ... they think they serve god but they serve the devil and the fiery destruction of earth would be the greatest and most happiness they would feel even though they would die too ... they think they will see it all happen while they are in heaven because they know they are going there and those they consider sinners will not be going there with them ... that is another reason why i despise christianity ... hell enough of the dreams of apocalypse that the holy roller preachers who see the second coming in the bible ... nostradamus for ignorant baptists and lesser minds ... think again of the reverse apocalypse which these fuckheads would not see then neither would you or me and how said would that be eh ...

frank added this postscript:

i wrote this when bush was president now obama is president and i do not think he wants any kind of apocalypse just wanted to get this out of my mind and off of my chest and out into the world can you do that for me harrison mi amigo

so done, frank.

english food

i have a friend from england. his name is nigel.

often, we'll go out to eat at a nice restaurant instead of a fastfood joint or pizza parlor.

sometimes, nigel forgets he's not in england. he'll order bangers and mash or spotted dick.

when that happens, i tell him:

"nigel, in england, that's food. in america, that's grounds for a sexual harassment suit. order a steak."

some thoughts on the big tourney

the national collegiate athletic association's division one men's basketball tourney --also known as march madness -- will start this thursday.

it's the only time of the year i follow college basketball intently, because the most consistently interesting sporting event in the united states. super bowls and world series are often onesided and therefore uninteresting. but not so for the ncaa tourney. many times, upsets have happened within the first three rounds.

indiana university, my alma mater, often makes the tourney. but this year, it wasn't invited because it had a terrible season,

so i'm cheering on north dakota state in fargo. it got into the tourney the first year is was eligible.

saul phillips, the coach of the bison, had wanted tourney officials to assign his team to a warm place -- like miami -- for the first round. instead, north dakota state will play kansas -- the defending champ by the way -- this coming thursday in minneapolis.

then i'll be cheering on butler university, because:
  1. it's in indianapolis;
  2. i had relatives attend it. some even graduated.
the bulldogs will play louisiana state thursday in greensboro, north carolina.

and there is no way in hell, since i'm an i.u. alumnus, that i'll be cheering for purdue.

in the past, starting on thursday, many people -- mostly men -- came down with what's been called tourney flu. earlier in the week, they told people they felt run down and poorly. then they called in sick to work on thursday and friday.

to cure their illness, they took it easy. instead of sleeping it off in bed, many took to their couches and watched a lot of television . but they didn't watch soap operas of the daytime talk shows; they usually watched the tourney games broadcast in their area.

they also drank plenty of liquids. but instead of water or some sort of electrolitic drink like gatorade, most of them drank beer.

tourney flu made them do crazy things, like betting that a number-16 seed would beat a number-1 seed in the first round.

(tourney flu, by the way, isn't the same as march madness. tourney flu occurs during the first week. march madness occurs throughout the entire tourney.)

i said this happened in the past. with this shaky economy, i doubt that people with jobs who also are strong fans of follow college basketball will call in sick. but i believe they'll try to watch the games on their computers at work.

then there are people who aren't working. i bet they'll take a few days off from their respective job hunts to watch the game.

in the past, because of the tourney, the economy usually lost about $1.7 billion in business productivity during march, according to a chicago consulting firm. that's exactly what a shaky economy needs.

but i've heard that a total of $3 billion will be bet in tourney pools, and that's a nice piece of scratch.

one final statement: when someone is talking about the tourney and you giggle with embarassment when he mentions morehead state ... shame on you!

more balls

in my post entitled o balls!, which you can read here, i forgot to mention high ball and low ball.

the high ball is a mix of some sort of whiskey -- usually scotch or bourbon -- and a nonalcoholic mixer, such as soda pop or water. it's served in a tall glass.

the low ball is a drink that's a mix of a whiskey and water, served with a piece of fruit as a garnish. it's served in a short glass that's between 6-10 ounces in capacity.

low ball is also a poker term where the player tries to get a lower hand to win. an example of this is a 5-4-3-2-a, which is called a wheel. a friend played that hand the last time i played poker about 12 years ago; he called it a straight around the horn. he lost the hand, any way.

but no matter what -- you never hear of the middle ball or central ball.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

a reminder ...

(picture from graphjam.com)

can you top this?

(ace and deuce are arguing. their friend trey is watching them.)

ace: when i was a kid, i used to shovel chicken shit!

deuce: that's nothing. when i was a kid, i used to shovel cow shit!

ace: you think that's bad? when i was a kid, i used to shovel pig shit!

deuce: (calmly) and when i was a kid, i used to shovel human shit.

ace is stunned into silence.

trey: game's over -- we have a winner!

jugglers and peacocks

hitler walks into a bar. there, he sees goering and himmler.

"today, we killed 40,000 jews, 12 jugglers and 6 peacocks," he said.

"mein fuehrer!" goering said. "are you serious?"

"i am, goering," he replies.

then he turns to himmler and says: "you see, himmler, no one cares about the jews."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

night bird, rain bird

night bird, rain bird, let me come to you.

the streets are wet at 3 a.m. i walk them alone and sad, for i've seen the fates of people and the lives that they'll live.

if i was more sensitive, i'd cry. but i'm too hard for that.

if i was more cynical, i'd sneer. but i'm too soft for that.

both are luxuries i won't buy. they cost too much for my spirit soul.


it would be nice if i was with you.

i want to g. there. to be with you. night bird, rain bird.

you know the dark songs and dark woods, but you're not a part of them. you're lucky. you got out.

but you can't read my mind, so i call you. come on over, you say.

there's a warm drink and a fire. i talk with you and i feel better.

i sleep in your bed.

thanks for the rest, night bird, rain bird.

goodbye for now. i'll get with you later.

o balls!

first, there's the meat ball.
there's the eye ball.
there's the cue ball.

(and if you have a high iq, you better be on the ball.)
there are these: the golf ball, the tennis ball, the bowling ball, the basketball, the baseball, the volleyball, and the football.
there's ball state university. that's a college in muncie, indiana, close to where i live.
there are balls of fire.

but oddly enough, there aren't balls of water.
there are great balls of fire -- just ask jerry lee lewis.

but you never hear of mediumsized balls of fire or small balls of fire, unless the second phrase could be used to describe sparks.
there's the expression balls to the wall.

but you never hear of bells to the well or bills to the will.
there are blue balls.

there are red balls.

then there's lucille ball; she had red hair.
there's having a ball.
there is the eight ball -- if you're behind it, you're in trouble.

you're only in half the amount of the trouble if you're behind the four ball.

also, the eight ball is a term to describe a mix of cocaine and heroin.

the four ball, on the other hand, is a mix of cappuchino and cough syrup.
somewhat connected with that is the speed ball.
there is the dough ball and the dirt ball. they are usually insults.
there's the charity ball.

there's the policemen's ball.

and there's been the secret policeman ball -- the name of some fundraising concerts put on back in the late 1970s for amnesty international, alogn with the records made from them.
and finally:
it MUST be true what some people have said about adolf hitler.

the great decession

times are tough economically for many people. the unemployment rate in indiana is between nine to 10 percent the same as it is nationally. and things don't look good as far as people can see into the future.

but -- come the revolution?

very doubtful, according to ken payne.

he's the editor of wonkette, a political web site which is very snarky. earnestly committed politicoes of both wings dislike it. many despise it. some even hate it.

he writes a political comment every week for aol. it's entitled political machine.

click here to read his latest dispatch.

this doesn't help my belief that my *fellow* citizens -- our citizenry -- is like a lump. not like a lump of coal, but more like a lump of cottage cheese, mashed potatoes, or oatmeal.

back in 2004, i wrote:

as long as people can get burgers at a fastfood place for less than $2 and in less than two minutes, and the price of gasoline is less than $2 a gallon, things are ok by them ... in my worse moments, i admit, i wish a depression on them, but i know it'll fuck up other people worse ...

i ought to be careful what i wish.


it's like, when everybody?

is sending off all these, like, rilly, rilly, rilly bad vibes?

and then?

like, the earth explodes?

and then it's like?

a rilly, rilly, rilly bad bummer?
(best told in the tone of an airheaded teenaged girl.)

frankenstein serpents

when i saw this story, one word came to my mind:


please click on the link above to read it.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

mockingbird blues

from the top of his head
to the tip of his shoes,
he's got those
horrible terrible
mockingbird blues.
a pbs station had a funding drive.

the station's manager came on and says: "hey -- i upped my pledge to pbs. now up yours!"
sapphistry: sophistry to explain or justify lesbianism.
immigrants love their old country like a parent, but they love their new country like a spouse.
i say no to drugs.
i keep saying it, too.
but the drugs just won't listen.
they didn't fall in love. it was more like they fell into lust.
and from that, they fell into bed.
crystaline thinking --
alcoholic drinking --
your life, lost -- sinking --
a terrible thing.
instead of human beings, call them hume beans or hume bings.
when someone mentions the huddled masses yearning to be free, does that include the africans that came over on the slave ships?
the black dude was tired of white kids acting all gangsta and shit, going around saying "yo yo -- represent!" the only white people he wanted to represent him was his attorney or his congressman.

the pitch

ace: you have a convent and a brothel side by side along the same street. and get this: the madame and the mother superior are sisters.

deuce: which one's the older sister?

ace: i hadn't thought of that.

deuce: it's important. if the older sister is the madame, the younger one reacts to her and becomes a nun, later on, he becomes a mother superior. if the older one's the mother superior, she was probably the favorite of the family. the younger one became a whore to get attention or to make her own destiny.


ace: ya know, that would make one hell of an x-rated movie.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


at first, ebben noticed the softness of the sound of the footsteps.

he only heard them when he concentrated his attention on them, like someone would concentrate their eyesight on a thing far away.

he was thankful that it was quiet, so he could concentrate.

it wasn't his dog, who was outside in his pen and, at the least, would've barked loudly enough to take the neighbors if it was an intruder. so he didn't think it was a burglar.

then he realized the footsteps were by the spirits of those he had wronged, and they were coming for revenge.

he felt fear.

he fainted.

as he lost consciousness, he was suprised that he was afraid of possible threats, and because he didn't know how strong it would be.

his heart stopped.

it wasn't me who ...

dropped that glass ...

didn't pick up the shards of that broken glass ...

tied the firecracker to the cat's tail ...

lit the fuse ...

took that kid's lunch money ...

spent all my allowance on candy ...

cheated on my chemistry test ...

beat up that fag the other night in that vacant lot ...

stood in a group and watched a bunch of guys do that ...

plagiarized that term paper ...

blackballed you from the fraternity ...

fucked your best friend, honey ...

took all the credit for the job that we both did ...

didn't pay all my taxes that year ...

insulted your wife ...

got drunk ...

forgot your birthday party ...

had an affair with that woman down the street ...

called him a nigger ...


lived a bad life ...

o lord ...

his eyes are ok

a man went to his doctor for his annual checkup and told him, "i have a problem."

the doctor said, "what is it?"

the man said, "every morning when i get up and look in the mirror, i feel like throwing up and then killing myself. what do you think is wrong?"

the doctor said, "offhand, i'm not sure. now i'm not an optometrist, but it's definitely not your eyesight."

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

and the snakes should be insulted

ace: hey, i'm gonna have a party!

deuce: great! when? are you gonna invite me?

ace: sure. and it's gonna be next saturday.

deuce: i'll be there.

ace: i'm also gonna invite trey and some of his friends -- like quatro, fiver, and sixx.

deuce: hey -- don't invite trey or any of his friends!

ace: why not?

deuce: because they have the collective morals of a pit full of snakes.

ace: how do you know that?

deuce: my friend sebbin had a party and invited them. first, they drank all the booze. then they hit on all the women there; some of them were so pervy, they hit on the men. after that, they stole all of sebbin's valuables. and worst of all -- they broke into his hidden stash and stole all his good marijuana.

not that surprising

so i'm surfing the internet and find this story.

it isn't so much news as just a confirmation of what i usually thought.

  • sun rises in east, sets in west;
  • ocean often salty, also wet.
but they're going to need something since they're going to need something to get through the bad times when money and prayer doesn't work.

new folks at work

so i walk into my favorite bar and grill and see there's a new bartender.

"what happened to joe, the regular bartender?" i ask mel, the owner and proprietor, because joe usually is working then shift when i come in.

mel says, "i fired him."

i ask, "why?"

he says, "he kept fucking the popcorn popper."

i reply, "DAMN! that's gotta hurt!"

i drink my beer, then order a new one.

then i ask mel, "hey, what happened to the popcorn popper?"

he says, "i had to fire her, too, because she was fucking joe."

on the third day ...

on the third day
of the third month,
the seventh son
of the seventh son
will do a million
different things
on the third stone
from the sun ...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

gas prices

right before new year's day, i wrote about gasoline prices. if you want to read my last post about them, please click here.

as of this weekend, i saw a gas station that was selling gasoline for $1.859 a gallon.

i'm glad prices are down from this last summer, before the economic problems truly hit the fan.

addenum, march 6: here's an update:

a couple of television stations reporter that gas is at $2.05 a gallon at some service stations.

addenum, march 18: seen this afternoon on a sign at a combination convenience store and gas station in my home town: gas at $1.399 a gallon.

porn and stuff

when i was young, i was walking along street one fine summer day when some sleazy guy drove up to me in a beat-to-hell car and said, "hey, kid -- want some pornography?"

i replied, "no thanks, mister. my family doesn't own a pornograph."

i found out later than he had died of osteopornosis -- a degenerate disease caused by excessive use and abuse of pornography.

he also suffered from an affliction caused by excessive masturbation to pornography -- the pennis elbow.