Sunday, August 2, 2009

Evil Bub

It seems like every small town has some interesting, if not strange, characters.

In the small town where I grew up, it was Evil Bub Evans.

His real name was either Gilmore or Wilmore Evans, but he wanted everyone to call him Bub.

That was short for Beezelbub -- also known as the devil.

But when I look back, he wasn't that evil. It was more like he was a jerk -- and a bad one at that.

To many members of his family, he was the relative that no one wanted to talk about unless they had to -- and that was in court and under oath.

He was so bad that he flunked out of Sunday school -- at three different churches.
In his high school physics class, he told the teacher that he wanted to split the atom and make a nuclear bomb. "Anything else is a waste of my time," he explained.

Even if no churches wanted him, some let him play on their softball teams, for he was, at the least, decent at baseball.

But he got kicked off a lot of the teams, and even out of some of the leagues.

He used to steal bases. That was against the leagues' commandments.

He also bet on the games and one time, he was caught screwing the wife of the first baseman.

The pin on his ATM card was 666 -- 69.

You've probably seen those change holders at convenience stores, where is you need a penny for change you can take one, and you can leave a penny.

Bub always took the pennies in them.

To suppliment his income, he also sold porn out of his car.

One time, he was parked in his car. A kid walked by. Bub said:

"Hey, kid -- you wanna buy some pornography?"

The kid replied, "No thanks, mister. We don't have a pornograph at home."

He also declared bankrupcy. He told a cousin, with who I keep in touch, that he wanted to sell his soul to the devil, but that the devil couldn't collect on it.

His cousin said, "Bub, you can declare Chapter 7 or Chapter 11, but you don't have much choice when the devil comes. You've already declared Chapter 666."

Bub said, "Shit. I'm gonna try to refi."

His cousin said, "Bub, you ought to change your life when you're on a firstname basis with the folks at the 911 call center."

He also was thoughtless. He once told his cousin that he thought reality television shows were lame.

You'll never guess who came by right at that monent.

It was Stephen Hawking.

He said to Bub, "Hey -- look at me. There's no way I'm going to be running a fourminute mile anytime soon. And if I could get out of his wheelchair, I'd kick your ass."

Instead, Hawking ran over Bub.

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