i've just had a little too much of the family lately.
there were the christmas family gatherings, and with all of them so close after thanksgiving. on those two holidays, you're practically obligated to be with family -- some of them you probably don't like.
if you feel the same way that i do, here's a reason it might be that way.
as for new year's eve, you're usually with people who want to be with you and you want to be with them. so you are often a lot happier and up for a celebration. you often get drunk or plowed or blasted or whatever you want to call it out of a sense of happiness -- not from a sense of resentment, despair and hate.
tomorrow night i'm staying home alone. i usually don't go out to celebrate because i don't want to do it among strangers and i don't want to travel at night because of possible drunken drivers.
if i get some inexpensive bubbly, i might drink some of it. if i don't, then i'll drink a few good beers. by midnight, i bet i'll be in bed -- asleep.
new year's day plans include doing my laundry and some chores around the home. and watching whatever college football bowls games are on television. i might even post that day. i'm working on some things and they might be ready by then.
if not -- have a happy new year.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
today's slice of cheesecake
since it's still the holiday season -- at least for me until january 6 -- here's a slice of cheesecake that you can enjoy before you start your new year's resolutions.it's a picture of elizabeth taylor. the sign in the lower left says it's a wardrobe still. i think it's for the movie version of tennessee williams' cat on a hot tin roof. paul newman and burl ives also acted in it.
i found this picture today on the net. when i saw it, my first thought was:
dangggggggggggggggggggg!
sexy sexy -- even in black and white.
please enjoy. i know i sure do.
the mind is a terrible thing to use
the powers of the human mind are strange and wonderful. here's an example of what i mean.
i don't know when, but this insight came to me: people will tell you and others -- and especially themselves -- the most idealistic reasons to justify things like assault, murder, and other lesser though still immoral acts.
they also will tell you and others -- and especially themselves -- the most idealistc reasons to justify less harmful acts. for example,
take vegitarianism.
earlier this month, as i went through some old clips, i found a review in the january 22, 2007 issue of the new yorker on a book about the history of vegitarianism. the book said benjamin franklin, as a young man, became a vegetarian because of its healthful benefits and sensitivity to the suffering of animals. but he changed his mind after eating some cod when he was hungry during a sea voyage.
the review quoted franklin as saying:
so convenient a thing it is to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do.
see what i mean?
i don't know when, but this insight came to me: people will tell you and others -- and especially themselves -- the most idealistic reasons to justify things like assault, murder, and other lesser though still immoral acts.
they also will tell you and others -- and especially themselves -- the most idealistc reasons to justify less harmful acts. for example,
take vegitarianism.
earlier this month, as i went through some old clips, i found a review in the january 22, 2007 issue of the new yorker on a book about the history of vegitarianism. the book said benjamin franklin, as a young man, became a vegetarian because of its healthful benefits and sensitivity to the suffering of animals. but he changed his mind after eating some cod when he was hungry during a sea voyage.
the review quoted franklin as saying:
so convenient a thing it is to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do.
see what i mean?
odds and ends about today
one
the temperature, as i write this, is in the middle 60s. that's way above the average high for this time of year. temperatures are forecast to be in the middle 40s to the high teens for the next few days.
but the winds are heavy. i was out doing some errands this morning and it took some effort to keep my car from drifting, ever so slightly, when i was driving in the country.
however, it's overcast, as it has been for at least the last two weeks. the sun came out a few times this morning, but they were short.
on christmas day, however, the sunlight shone bright and pure. only a few clouds were in the sky.
we had no snow on the ground in central indiana, so even if we didn't have a white christmas, at least it wasn't a gray one. and no snow is forecast to fall until the new year.
two
early in november, i had posted about gasoline prices. if you want to read what i wrote, click here.
while i was out this morning, i saw that gas was $1.539 per gallon at a station about five miles from where i live.
the temperature, as i write this, is in the middle 60s. that's way above the average high for this time of year. temperatures are forecast to be in the middle 40s to the high teens for the next few days.
but the winds are heavy. i was out doing some errands this morning and it took some effort to keep my car from drifting, ever so slightly, when i was driving in the country.
however, it's overcast, as it has been for at least the last two weeks. the sun came out a few times this morning, but they were short.
on christmas day, however, the sunlight shone bright and pure. only a few clouds were in the sky.
we had no snow on the ground in central indiana, so even if we didn't have a white christmas, at least it wasn't a gray one. and no snow is forecast to fall until the new year.
two
early in november, i had posted about gasoline prices. if you want to read what i wrote, click here.
while i was out this morning, i saw that gas was $1.539 per gallon at a station about five miles from where i live.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
something to ponder
something to think about for more than a minute.posting will be light from now until the end of the year. with that in mind--i hope your holidays are happy.
(picture from shoeboxblog.com)
Friday, December 19, 2008
a change in attitude
the older i get, the less anger i feel about things and the more sorrow i feel about them.
or as virgil wrote -- lacramae rerum.
the term comes from the aeneid. aeneas, the hero of the epic poem, looks at a mural in a temple in carthage. it depicts battles of the trojan war and deaths of his friends and countrymen.
as he looks at the mural, he cries because he is overcome by the futility of warfare and waste of human life. then he says: sunt lacrimae rerum et mentem mortalia tangunt. translated from latin, it says: these are tears for events and mortal things touch the soul.
as i think about it, i don't know if my feelings come from:
this applies to the serious things in life. as for the less serious things, the smaller things, the more trivial things and the futility within them ... well, check my posts labeled humor; it's no coincidence that it has the most references in my blog.
or as virgil wrote -- lacramae rerum.
the term comes from the aeneid. aeneas, the hero of the epic poem, looks at a mural in a temple in carthage. it depicts battles of the trojan war and deaths of his friends and countrymen.
as he looks at the mural, he cries because he is overcome by the futility of warfare and waste of human life. then he says: sunt lacrimae rerum et mentem mortalia tangunt. translated from latin, it says: these are tears for events and mortal things touch the soul.
as i think about it, i don't know if my feelings come from:
- a mix of age and experience.
- a mix of knowledge and wisdom.
- a drop in testosterone.
- thoughts that usually come at this time, during the end of the year, when daytime is short and nighttime is long.
this applies to the serious things in life. as for the less serious things, the smaller things, the more trivial things and the futility within them ... well, check my posts labeled humor; it's no coincidence that it has the most references in my blog.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
full of dread
full of dread
of goddamn fred
brain of zilch
and neck of red
*
you know what they say about new york. at 4 in the morning, you can get a steak and an eightball ... not necessary in that order.
*
joanne decided that dave would be the first person she would sex. so she didn't truly lose her virginity; it was more like she left it behind.
*
a repository of grotesqueries.
*
clowns without greasepaint ...
*
your grandma and her bridge club
your aunt
the sisters at the nunnery
*
nobody truly expects the circus to stay forever.
*
there was a superhero named nitelite. his super power: glowing in the dark.
*
no matter whatever i do, i can't unsee that trainwreck.
and no matter whatever i do, i also can't unsleep with that skank.
*
"electricity is the divine fire," the mad professor said. "do NOT squander it."
*
a manifesto for a way out of this mess -- and into another mess?
*
everywhere and nowhere in particular -- the center of an infinite sphere.
*
a prosti-wife -- a woman who marries and trades sex for security -- and in the long run, money.
*
a two-hole -- much lower than an a-hole -- that's just one of them.
*
jack didn't give the a-hole a look that would've killed, but a look that would've wounded him critically.
*
silence is golden.
duct tape is silvery.
*
no one to
park the car, no one to
care about the situation
that is your life
*
just do it, pruitt!
*
pardonnez vous mon francais -- but FUCK THAT SHIT!
*
he thought sluts wore those big hoop or big loop earrings. and the bigger the earring, the more guys they had fucked.
of goddamn fred
brain of zilch
and neck of red
*
you know what they say about new york. at 4 in the morning, you can get a steak and an eightball ... not necessary in that order.
*
joanne decided that dave would be the first person she would sex. so she didn't truly lose her virginity; it was more like she left it behind.
*
a repository of grotesqueries.
*
clowns without greasepaint ...
*
your grandma and her bridge club
your aunt
the sisters at the nunnery
*
nobody truly expects the circus to stay forever.
*
there was a superhero named nitelite. his super power: glowing in the dark.
*
no matter whatever i do, i can't unsee that trainwreck.
and no matter whatever i do, i also can't unsleep with that skank.
*
"electricity is the divine fire," the mad professor said. "do NOT squander it."
*
a manifesto for a way out of this mess -- and into another mess?
*
everywhere and nowhere in particular -- the center of an infinite sphere.
*
a prosti-wife -- a woman who marries and trades sex for security -- and in the long run, money.
*
a two-hole -- much lower than an a-hole -- that's just one of them.
*
jack didn't give the a-hole a look that would've killed, but a look that would've wounded him critically.
*
silence is golden.
duct tape is silvery.
*
no one to
park the car, no one to
care about the situation
that is your life
*
just do it, pruitt!
*
pardonnez vous mon francais -- but FUCK THAT SHIT!
*
he thought sluts wore those big hoop or big loop earrings. and the bigger the earring, the more guys they had fucked.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
bookstore days
in the middle 1980s, i worked parttime holiday sales at a bookstore in an indianpolis mall. i won't say which mall it was or which company it was, but it was neither borders nor barnes and noble, which had not reached central indiana by then.
i wrote some notes about that time and that job. after i reviewed them, here are the best vignettes i could've written from my notes.
the agitated crank
i was behind the register when an older man, who i often had seen come into the store before, walked in. a few minutes later, he came to the register with two biographies.
"i only buy true stuff," he said.
i asked him if he had read citizen hughes, which was a recently published biography about howard hughes.
i had not expected the explosion that followed.
"did you know that son of a bitch, for 17 years, never paid any income taxes?" the man said of hughes. he then went on about hughes' fear of germs, his attempts to buy politicians, and his attraction to teenaged girls, among other scandalous actions.
"he should've been shot -- him and the budweiser folks," he said.
the man then told me that he was a pharmacists and that hughes took 30 micrograms of valium a day. "that's a dosage large enough to kill 15 people," he said.
as he was going on about hughes, another customer came to the register. the guy then left.
a beard for a name
i was working the cash register in january, after the christmas rush, when a man used a check to pay for his purchase.
his name was charles a. beard.
now, beard is a hoosier native of which little is said. he was born in knightstown, a small city about 40 miles east of indianapolis. i knew his history. if you want to read more about him, please click here.
(by the way, in my notes, i went into great details about beard. but with the internet and hyperlinks, i can put this background information in the back room, so to speak.)
i talked with mr. beard because business was slow. i asked him if he was from knightstown. sure enough, he was. he said he grew up there and graduated from high school there in 1935.
a woman behind him then spoke up. she said she had lived in knighstown until she was 10 years old, then moved to new castle -- a city near knightstown.
interesting purchases
an older gentleman -- with white hair and heavy jowls and a solid bulk -- dressed in a business suit -- came up to me when i was working the register with four books.
two of them were crime and punishment and the brothers karamazov, both by dostoyevsky. one of them was surburban souls, an erotic novel written in the victorian area. the fourth one, i can't remember.
at first, i was surprised with his purchases. he didn't look like the type of man who would buy dostoyevsky. if he did buy novels, they probably would be by jack london, robert louis stevenson, or possibly joseph conrad. he also didn't look like the type of man who would've dared to buy an erotic novel in public.
but later i thought: why should you be surprised at this guy's purchases. there are people like him around indianapolis, even though they aren't that plentiful. and the way this guy dresses -- he's moving around without sticking out and being noticed.
i wrote some notes about that time and that job. after i reviewed them, here are the best vignettes i could've written from my notes.
the agitated crank
i was behind the register when an older man, who i often had seen come into the store before, walked in. a few minutes later, he came to the register with two biographies.
"i only buy true stuff," he said.
i asked him if he had read citizen hughes, which was a recently published biography about howard hughes.
i had not expected the explosion that followed.
"did you know that son of a bitch, for 17 years, never paid any income taxes?" the man said of hughes. he then went on about hughes' fear of germs, his attempts to buy politicians, and his attraction to teenaged girls, among other scandalous actions.
"he should've been shot -- him and the budweiser folks," he said.
the man then told me that he was a pharmacists and that hughes took 30 micrograms of valium a day. "that's a dosage large enough to kill 15 people," he said.
as he was going on about hughes, another customer came to the register. the guy then left.
a beard for a name
i was working the cash register in january, after the christmas rush, when a man used a check to pay for his purchase.
his name was charles a. beard.
now, beard is a hoosier native of which little is said. he was born in knightstown, a small city about 40 miles east of indianapolis. i knew his history. if you want to read more about him, please click here.
(by the way, in my notes, i went into great details about beard. but with the internet and hyperlinks, i can put this background information in the back room, so to speak.)
i talked with mr. beard because business was slow. i asked him if he was from knightstown. sure enough, he was. he said he grew up there and graduated from high school there in 1935.
a woman behind him then spoke up. she said she had lived in knighstown until she was 10 years old, then moved to new castle -- a city near knightstown.
interesting purchases
an older gentleman -- with white hair and heavy jowls and a solid bulk -- dressed in a business suit -- came up to me when i was working the register with four books.
two of them were crime and punishment and the brothers karamazov, both by dostoyevsky. one of them was surburban souls, an erotic novel written in the victorian area. the fourth one, i can't remember.
at first, i was surprised with his purchases. he didn't look like the type of man who would buy dostoyevsky. if he did buy novels, they probably would be by jack london, robert louis stevenson, or possibly joseph conrad. he also didn't look like the type of man who would've dared to buy an erotic novel in public.
but later i thought: why should you be surprised at this guy's purchases. there are people like him around indianapolis, even though they aren't that plentiful. and the way this guy dresses -- he's moving around without sticking out and being noticed.
it the poem it
(note: this poem is at its best when it's recitied at midnight after several hours of song, chants, dance, and ingestion of intoxicants.)ACE
it
the situ-
ation that
the cat
as it slept
on the mat
no wait
not that
fat cat
it
the situ-
ation that
the cat
as it slept
on the mat
no wait
not that
fat cat
too fat
to do
that
or it
the situ-
ation that
the BAT
yeah the bat
as it flew
'cross the plains
without trees
without drains
'cross the fields
of very high
soybean yields
it flew without worry
and without fear
tho' it can't see
itself within
the mirr'
'cause bats
have bad eyes
can't see well
and can't eat pies
as it flies
through the skies
finger wings
can't hold things
very well
can't even ring
a dinner bell
DEUCE
so what's the point
of this damn thing
no point to make
no pie to bake
no joint to take
back to your room
so smoke will loom
when you light up
you stoner pup
anyway this thing
doesn't mean
it just is
it just be
just a making
from little old me
dancing 'round
like a flea
on a scruffy
old cat
as it sleeps
and grows fat
on a soft
orange mat
no not the cat
go back
go back
it's the BAT
that did the thing
while on the wing
plopping droppings
without stopping
it's called guano
helps plants grow
when the snow's
not aground
when it's spring
and the bird
is on the wing
and the bat
no not on the mat
but on the wing
blind harry thing
and that damn cat
lies on the mat
gets more fat
and more fat
acts like a spoiled
rotten brat
thrown off a roof
it won't go SPLAT!
lands on its feet
and walks away
not very sweet
for you cat hater
so eat your tasty
baked poe-tater
and don't be
such a
masturbator
TREY
hey
your mother
why don't you
thank her
for bearing you
and raising you
for making sure
you tied your shoes
or even owned
a pair to tie
she could've let you
roll up and die
no lie
no lie
hey
back to the bat
it's the hero
of this thing
though others
hate it for
no good ring
hairy scary
freaks out mary
and sometimes larry
often jerry
sometimes harry
and always barry
to do
that
or it
the situ-
ation that
the BAT
yeah the bat
as it flew
'cross the plains
without trees
without drains
'cross the fields
of very high
soybean yields
it flew without worry
and without fear
tho' it can't see
itself within
the mirr'
'cause bats
have bad eyes
can't see well
and can't eat pies
as it flies
through the skies
finger wings
can't hold things
very well
can't even ring
a dinner bell
DEUCE
so what's the point
of this damn thing
no point to make
no pie to bake
no joint to take
back to your room
so smoke will loom
when you light up
you stoner pup
anyway this thing
doesn't mean
it just is
it just be
just a making
from little old me
dancing 'round
like a flea
on a scruffy
old cat
as it sleeps
and grows fat
on a soft
orange mat
no not the cat
go back
go back
it's the BAT
that did the thing
while on the wing
plopping droppings
without stopping
it's called guano
helps plants grow
when the snow's
not aground
when it's spring
and the bird
is on the wing
and the bat
no not on the mat
but on the wing
blind harry thing
and that damn cat
lies on the mat
gets more fat
and more fat
acts like a spoiled
rotten brat
thrown off a roof
it won't go SPLAT!
lands on its feet
and walks away
not very sweet
for you cat hater
so eat your tasty
baked poe-tater
and don't be
such a
masturbator
TREY
hey
your mother
why don't you
thank her
for bearing you
and raising you
for making sure
you tied your shoes
or even owned
a pair to tie
she could've let you
roll up and die
no lie
no lie
hey
back to the bat
it's the hero
of this thing
though others
hate it for
no good ring
hairy scary
freaks out mary
and sometimes larry
often jerry
sometimes harry
and always barry
a meeting of beauty and brains
there once was a story that marilyn monroe, who always was trying to improve herself, once sought out albert einstein.the two of them met one fall evening in the 1950s. as einstein was walking to his home in princeton, new jersey, after he had played violin with some of his colleagues at the institute of advance study, he passed by a park. there, sitting on a bench, was monroe.
"oh, professor einstein, it's a pleasure to meet you!" she said.
"likeways mutually, fraulein monroe," einstein said.
"oh, professor einstein, please call me marilyn."
"hokey dokey, marra-leen. und you may call me albert."
"albert, i have a request."
"vott iss itt, mein schoen?"
"we should get together and make a baby!"
einstein is struck mute with this request. what redblooded heterosexual male wouldn't mind making love with the famed sex symbol? but he gathered his wits and said:
"bott vhy, marra-leen?"
"if we did, the baby could have my beauty and your brains!"
einstein sighed deeply and told her, "ah, marra-leen, mein schoen kinder, it's best vee do not do so. becauss if vee vurr to do so, the beh-bee could haff my beauty und your brains!"
*
that's my version of an old story, told decades ago about george bernard shaw and isadora duncan.
the picture is by quint buchholz. i found it on the net.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
bad news in the workplace
this might be callous because of the bad news -- according to reports, about 533,ooo jobs were lost in november and the unemployment rate that month was 6.7 percent, the highest it's been since 1974.
but i found it funny in a grim way, so i pass it along to you.
*
dan
thanks for coming in to see me, rich. please, have a seat.
rich
it's nice to stand for a change.
dan
look, i know what they say about me. please don't buy all the hype. contrary to the rumors, i don't just sit here and fire poepole all day long.
rich
that's a relief, dan.
dan
with that said, i called you in because i have some good news and some bad news. which do you want first?
rich
uh -- the good news -- i guess.
dan
the bad news is this. in a few minutes, i'm going to reach into my file cabinet. in there, i have two assault rifles, two sawedoff shotguns and a homemade flame thrower.
first, i'm going to use the rifles to shoot everybody in marketing.
then i'm going to research, where i'm going to use the flame thrower. they'll all burn in agony, and i'm looking forward to that.
and i'll be sure to save some fuel for the ladies in the cafeteria.
finally, i'm going to the executive floor. there, all the directors will get a face full of buckshot -- point blank.
in short, no one in this organization will be spared from my rage.
rich
JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST, DAN! WHAT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING GOOD NEWS?
dan
i'm going to spare you because i like you and i'm going to give you a head start of here. so -- you're fired. pack up your stuff and get the hell out of here.
but i found it funny in a grim way, so i pass it along to you.
*
dan
thanks for coming in to see me, rich. please, have a seat.
rich
it's nice to stand for a change.
dan
look, i know what they say about me. please don't buy all the hype. contrary to the rumors, i don't just sit here and fire poepole all day long.
rich
that's a relief, dan.
dan
with that said, i called you in because i have some good news and some bad news. which do you want first?
rich
uh -- the good news -- i guess.
dan
the bad news is this. in a few minutes, i'm going to reach into my file cabinet. in there, i have two assault rifles, two sawedoff shotguns and a homemade flame thrower.
first, i'm going to use the rifles to shoot everybody in marketing.
then i'm going to research, where i'm going to use the flame thrower. they'll all burn in agony, and i'm looking forward to that.
and i'll be sure to save some fuel for the ladies in the cafeteria.
finally, i'm going to the executive floor. there, all the directors will get a face full of buckshot -- point blank.
in short, no one in this organization will be spared from my rage.
rich
JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST, DAN! WHAT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING GOOD NEWS?
dan
i'm going to spare you because i like you and i'm going to give you a head start of here. so -- you're fired. pack up your stuff and get the hell out of here.
the genius of 30 rock
i was watching the nbc comedy 30 rock thursday, and two lines especially caught my attention for their wit.
30 rock, was created by tina fay, an alumna of saturday night live and famed impersonator this fall of sarah palin. it's about the trials and tribulations of a writer for a comedy/variety television show.
the first time was when fay's character, liz lemon, bought a lot of christmas gifts for some children in a toys-for-tots program. the kids lived at 245th street and lawrence taylor boulevard.when i heard that address, i thought: way uptown in manhattan -- up in the 'hood, yo. and the genius was naming a street after taylor.
the second time was lemon's boss, jack donaghy, played by alec baldwin, told her about his plans for his harridan of a mother, who came to stay with him for christmas for recuperation after an operation. he told lemon that after the holidays, he planned to send her to a nursing home on an island off the coast of maine, run by the same group that oversaw napoleon's exile.
two throwaway lines -- and i had a nice, long chuckle because of them.
30 rock doesn't have either a laugh track or a live audience laughing -- a sign of maturity by the show's producers and trust that the audience would get the jokes.
30 rock, was created by tina fay, an alumna of saturday night live and famed impersonator this fall of sarah palin. it's about the trials and tribulations of a writer for a comedy/variety television show.
the first time was when fay's character, liz lemon, bought a lot of christmas gifts for some children in a toys-for-tots program. the kids lived at 245th street and lawrence taylor boulevard.when i heard that address, i thought: way uptown in manhattan -- up in the 'hood, yo. and the genius was naming a street after taylor.
the second time was lemon's boss, jack donaghy, played by alec baldwin, told her about his plans for his harridan of a mother, who came to stay with him for christmas for recuperation after an operation. he told lemon that after the holidays, he planned to send her to a nursing home on an island off the coast of maine, run by the same group that oversaw napoleon's exile.
two throwaway lines -- and i had a nice, long chuckle because of them.
30 rock doesn't have either a laugh track or a live audience laughing -- a sign of maturity by the show's producers and trust that the audience would get the jokes.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
different confessions
the catholic church ought to have separate lines for confession booths, like grocery stores have different checkout lines. one line would be for folks with, say 15 venial sins or less; the other would be for more and greater sins, like the mortal ones.
i can see it in action.
a teenaged girl goes into the shortline confession and says, "forgive me father, for i have sinned. it's been four hours since my last confession. since then i called my little brother a doodyhead and had impure thoughts about justin timberlake's private parts."
these are small potatos, the priest thinks. "my child, say one hail mary, give five dollars to the church's building fund, and go and sin no more," he tells the girl.
in the line for more and bigger sins is a man who -- well, he's done some very sinful and immoral and illegal things -- hell, he's a mobster. he just found out that he has terminal cancer, so he wants to get right with god.
he goes into the confessional booth and says, "forgive me, father, for i have sinned. it's been -- uh -- about 35 years -- maybe 40, i don't know -- since my last confession ..."
then he tells the priest about all the things he's done: the burglaries, the robberies, the extortions and violence that often came with them, the arsons, the adulteries, the illegal drugs, the murders ... and so on ... and so forth.
while he is confessing all this, the priest is thinking: lord, i wish the pope would let us take notes in here. i could use all this stuff to write a heck of a book about organized crime.
after the mobster is finished with his confession, the priest says, "my son, that's quite a list of sins. why did you go so long between confessions?"
the mobster says, "uh, couldn't you tell, father? i've been busy."
i'm going to write pope benedict xvi and the powers that be at the vatican to see if they'll consider my suggestion. it'll be an ecumental suggestion, because i'm a methodist.
i can see it in action.
a teenaged girl goes into the shortline confession and says, "forgive me father, for i have sinned. it's been four hours since my last confession. since then i called my little brother a doodyhead and had impure thoughts about justin timberlake's private parts."
these are small potatos, the priest thinks. "my child, say one hail mary, give five dollars to the church's building fund, and go and sin no more," he tells the girl.
in the line for more and bigger sins is a man who -- well, he's done some very sinful and immoral and illegal things -- hell, he's a mobster. he just found out that he has terminal cancer, so he wants to get right with god.
he goes into the confessional booth and says, "forgive me, father, for i have sinned. it's been -- uh -- about 35 years -- maybe 40, i don't know -- since my last confession ..."
then he tells the priest about all the things he's done: the burglaries, the robberies, the extortions and violence that often came with them, the arsons, the adulteries, the illegal drugs, the murders ... and so on ... and so forth.
while he is confessing all this, the priest is thinking: lord, i wish the pope would let us take notes in here. i could use all this stuff to write a heck of a book about organized crime.
after the mobster is finished with his confession, the priest says, "my son, that's quite a list of sins. why did you go so long between confessions?"
the mobster says, "uh, couldn't you tell, father? i've been busy."
i'm going to write pope benedict xvi and the powers that be at the vatican to see if they'll consider my suggestion. it'll be an ecumental suggestion, because i'm a methodist.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
medical opinion of the bailout package
i have a relative who often sends me jokes that others have sent him through the internet.
many of them don't strike my sense of humor, so i delete them. but some i keep.
this one i'm going to keep. i just find it funnier and wittier than average. because of that, i pass it along to you.
*
MEDICAL OPINIONS ON THE BAILOUT PACKAGE
the allergists voted to scratch it.
the dermatologists advised people not to make any rash moves.
the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
the neurologists thought the administration had a not of nerve.
the obstetricians thought everyone was laboring under a misconception.
the opthamologists thought the idea was shortsighted.
the pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
the pediatricians said, "oh, grow up!"
the psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
the radiologists could see right through it.
the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
the internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
the plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter."
the podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
the urologists, though, said the scheme wouldn't hold water.
the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no to it.
but in the end, the proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in washington.
many of them don't strike my sense of humor, so i delete them. but some i keep.
this one i'm going to keep. i just find it funnier and wittier than average. because of that, i pass it along to you.
*
MEDICAL OPINIONS ON THE BAILOUT PACKAGE
the allergists voted to scratch it.
the dermatologists advised people not to make any rash moves.
the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
the neurologists thought the administration had a not of nerve.
the obstetricians thought everyone was laboring under a misconception.
the opthamologists thought the idea was shortsighted.
the pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
the pediatricians said, "oh, grow up!"
the psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
the radiologists could see right through it.
the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
the internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
the plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter."
the podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
the urologists, though, said the scheme wouldn't hold water.
the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no to it.
but in the end, the proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in washington.
at the edge of the egg
have you ever been to the edge of an egg -- and a fried one, at that?
i have -- at least in one of my dreams.
i was out walking and came upon it, looming over me. i gave it a quick measurement by eyesight and determined it was as tall as a threestory building.
when i got to the edge, i poked the eggwhite with a stick. it looked rubbery and was a little burned at the edges.
i tore off a handful and put it in my mouth. it tasted just like the white of a fried egg would taste. and it was still warm.
i wished i had some salt and pepper to season it.
i saw the yoke of the egg before me like a big yellow pile. i walked away from it because i was afraid the yoke would break and drown me.
the most interesting thing about the dream is that i don't like fried eggs. now scrambled eggs and hardboiled eggs -- yes, definitely. but not fried eggs.
the smartest talking dog in the world
forward
most of my life, i've enjoyed a good shaggy dog story. wikipedia has a great explanation of what one is. to read it, click here.
this is my most favorite shaggy dog tale. in the future, i'll post others.
*
a man and a dog walk into a tavern and sit at the bar.
the man says, "bartender, please bring me a beer and a cheeseburger. and as for my dog here, please bring him a halfpound of raw ground beef and a bowl of water."
the bartender says, "look, fella, we don't allow animals in here. the board of health was in here last week and we got written up for health violations. we don't need any more grief."
the man says, "oh, but sir, this not just any old dog. this is a talking dog. and he's as smart and as civilized as any human being. if i prove this to you, will you let him stay?"
the bartender says, "ok. show me. and if it's true, your eats and drinks are on the house."
the man turns to the dog and says, "rover, what is the texture of the bark on a tree?"
the dog says, "rough."
the man says, "rover, what is the name of the thing that is at the top of a building?"
the dog says, "roof."
the man says, "rover, who was the greatest player to wear the pinstripes of the new york yankees?"
the dog says, "ruth."
the bartender is NOT impressed. he grabs the man and the dog by their respective collars and throw them out of the tavern.
the man stands up and brushes the dust off his clothes. the dog shakes himself to get ride of the dust in his coat of hair.
the dog then turns to the man and says, "do you think i should've said dimaggio?"
the man says, "or mantle ... or gehrig ... or jeter ..."
most of my life, i've enjoyed a good shaggy dog story. wikipedia has a great explanation of what one is. to read it, click here.
this is my most favorite shaggy dog tale. in the future, i'll post others.
*
a man and a dog walk into a tavern and sit at the bar.
the man says, "bartender, please bring me a beer and a cheeseburger. and as for my dog here, please bring him a halfpound of raw ground beef and a bowl of water."
the bartender says, "look, fella, we don't allow animals in here. the board of health was in here last week and we got written up for health violations. we don't need any more grief."
the man says, "oh, but sir, this not just any old dog. this is a talking dog. and he's as smart and as civilized as any human being. if i prove this to you, will you let him stay?"
the bartender says, "ok. show me. and if it's true, your eats and drinks are on the house."
the man turns to the dog and says, "rover, what is the texture of the bark on a tree?"
the dog says, "rough."
the man says, "rover, what is the name of the thing that is at the top of a building?"
the dog says, "roof."
the man says, "rover, who was the greatest player to wear the pinstripes of the new york yankees?"
the dog says, "ruth."
the bartender is NOT impressed. he grabs the man and the dog by their respective collars and throw them out of the tavern.
the man stands up and brushes the dust off his clothes. the dog shakes himself to get ride of the dust in his coat of hair.
the dog then turns to the man and says, "do you think i should've said dimaggio?"
the man says, "or mantle ... or gehrig ... or jeter ..."
grannie panties
i want to post about a subject that concerns many of you ladies at christmastime:grannie panties.
they're the ones that go up to your navel and give you lots of coverage in the back and front and along the sides.
they're the ones made of nylon and come in wonderful pastel colors, like those pictured above. other colors include peach, light green, and cocoa.
they're the ones some of your relatives give you at christmas because they don't know what you truly want.
you open a package and see them. you say, "thanks, grandma" or "thanks, aunt mary." all the time, a sarcastic voice in your mind is telling you how clueless your relatives are.
ladies, i say cut your relatives some slack! getting grannie panties from them at christmas means that your relatives love you. or at the least, they care for you.
because if you get thong underwear from them, that more or less says, "honey, we decided you just don't slutty enough. so merry christmas, you tramp!"
crystal meth -- a winner?
while i was surfing the net last night, i found this story at gawker.com. it lists what it calls the winners and losers in this economic setback, or recession. or whatever you want to call it. if you want to read the whole story, click here.
i haven't posted about the recession because i can't get a handle on writing about it, and no one will get a handle on the situation until barack obama becomes president next month, since the cheney-bush administration has been awol on it.
however, it had an interesting quote about crystal meth dealers. supposedly, they'll be one of the winners in the recession, because crystal meth is, as gawker said:
a perfect drug for this new american era: cheap, powerful, and terrifying.
that phrase caught my attention, because a big part of the american mentality -- or soul, if you will -- is cheap, powerful, and terrifying. i'll try to figure what exactly that is, and will post about it later.
addenum, december 11: crystal meth has the nickname of tina. at first i thought it came from a transformation of words -- from crystal to cristina to tina. but tina is short for one-sixteenth of an ounce.
i found this out at rotten. com, a website that i knew better as a place for eccentric items often in very bad taste, like autopsy pictures of tupac shakur. for those of you who are curious, it has more details about crystal meth here.
i haven't posted about the recession because i can't get a handle on writing about it, and no one will get a handle on the situation until barack obama becomes president next month, since the cheney-bush administration has been awol on it.
however, it had an interesting quote about crystal meth dealers. supposedly, they'll be one of the winners in the recession, because crystal meth is, as gawker said:
a perfect drug for this new american era: cheap, powerful, and terrifying.
that phrase caught my attention, because a big part of the american mentality -- or soul, if you will -- is cheap, powerful, and terrifying. i'll try to figure what exactly that is, and will post about it later.
addenum, december 11: crystal meth has the nickname of tina. at first i thought it came from a transformation of words -- from crystal to cristina to tina. but tina is short for one-sixteenth of an ounce.
i found this out at rotten. com, a website that i knew better as a place for eccentric items often in very bad taste, like autopsy pictures of tupac shakur. for those of you who are curious, it has more details about crystal meth here.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
holiday talk
ace: 'twas the night before christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse ...
because a psychopathic killer broke in
and slaughtered every living creature as they slept.
deuce: nice one, you crazy bastard.
ace: well, too many goddamn people are full of too much goddamn holiday cheer. i thought i would bring them back down to earth.
deuce: and not get their hopes up? or knock them down if they are up? do you do that because your hopes have been shattered too many times into too many pieces too numerous to count? just because you're bitter and broken, don't bring down other people during a time when a lot of people are nicer than usual. and that includes us.
ace: yeah. maybe. ok. but i will say this: during christmas time, retailers see you as a wallet with legs.
deuce: yeah, that's true. but i won't let that get me down. that is their attitude. i have a different one. i'm trying not to let the outside attitudes overly influence me.
ace: there's one thing i like about christmas. it's a time when people don't care if you eat, drink and be merry; especially if they're cross dresser.
deuce: good one.
ace: yeah. i see that you've indulged a bit.
deuce: i'll admit i have a gut. it's not a six pack -- it's more like a pony keg. but at least it's not a 55 gallon drum.
ace: they say the lord helps those who help themselves. and lord knows you're going to take second and third helpings of those holiday goodies -- like gingerbreak cookies, rum cakes, candy canes, and whatever else out there that is sweet and fattening.
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse ...
because a psychopathic killer broke in
and slaughtered every living creature as they slept.
deuce: nice one, you crazy bastard.
ace: well, too many goddamn people are full of too much goddamn holiday cheer. i thought i would bring them back down to earth.
deuce: and not get their hopes up? or knock them down if they are up? do you do that because your hopes have been shattered too many times into too many pieces too numerous to count? just because you're bitter and broken, don't bring down other people during a time when a lot of people are nicer than usual. and that includes us.
ace: yeah. maybe. ok. but i will say this: during christmas time, retailers see you as a wallet with legs.
deuce: yeah, that's true. but i won't let that get me down. that is their attitude. i have a different one. i'm trying not to let the outside attitudes overly influence me.
ace: there's one thing i like about christmas. it's a time when people don't care if you eat, drink and be merry; especially if they're cross dresser.
deuce: good one.
ace: yeah. i see that you've indulged a bit.
deuce: i'll admit i have a gut. it's not a six pack -- it's more like a pony keg. but at least it's not a 55 gallon drum.
ace: they say the lord helps those who help themselves. and lord knows you're going to take second and third helpings of those holiday goodies -- like gingerbreak cookies, rum cakes, candy canes, and whatever else out there that is sweet and fattening.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
you're the one
pretty young women, dressed real nicely -- formal dresses, white gloves and all -- walk shadow street at night and give out diamonds.
they say to those who received them:
"you're the one."
when that happens, just say thanks. then take the diamonds and bury them in your back yard.
they're good investments -- nice things to own for bad times coming.
one night last week, i went to shadow street to get some diamonds.
i saw the women, dressed real nicely -- formal dresses, white gloves and all -- but none of them came up to give me diamonds.
even though they looked right at me, i know now it was more like that they looked right through me.
guess i'm not the one.
they say to those who received them:
"you're the one."
when that happens, just say thanks. then take the diamonds and bury them in your back yard.
they're good investments -- nice things to own for bad times coming.
one night last week, i went to shadow street to get some diamonds.
i saw the women, dressed real nicely -- formal dresses, white gloves and all -- but none of them came up to give me diamonds.
even though they looked right at me, i know now it was more like that they looked right through me.
guess i'm not the one.
Friday, December 5, 2008
special today -- TWO pieces of cheesecake
hey, it's the weekend. so for you, i serve this piece of cheesecake:
i might've faked out some of you with this picture of a fine piece of dessert. i found it on flickr.
this is more like it:
it took me a while to find a picture of a pretty lady posting as one of santa's helper elves -- at least one who wasn't topless.
so here are two pieces of cheesecake for you. go ahead and take them both. indulge yourself for once.
if they make you fatter -- well, you can always start losing weight as part of your new year's resolutions.
in the meantime, i'll be working on some things off the net. i plan to post them here later this month.
(by the way, i found the picture of santa's helper at lollipoplingerie.com.)
i might've faked out some of you with this picture of a fine piece of dessert. i found it on flickr.
this is more like it:
it took me a while to find a picture of a pretty lady posting as one of santa's helper elves -- at least one who wasn't topless.
so here are two pieces of cheesecake for you. go ahead and take them both. indulge yourself for once.
if they make you fatter -- well, you can always start losing weight as part of your new year's resolutions.
in the meantime, i'll be working on some things off the net. i plan to post them here later this month.
(by the way, i found the picture of santa's helper at lollipoplingerie.com.)
simpson sentenced
earlier, i had posted about the verdict in o.j. simpson's trial for robbery in las vegas. if you want to read about it, click here.
he was sentenced today. the details are here.
simpson is 61 years old. if he gets out at the earliest time possible, he would be 70 years old. and if he serves the full term, which is 33 years, well ... it's a life sentence.
it's good to see justice served.
he was sentenced today. the details are here.
simpson is 61 years old. if he gets out at the earliest time possible, he would be 70 years old. and if he serves the full term, which is 33 years, well ... it's a life sentence.
it's good to see justice served.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
crazy christmas clothes guy
christmas is atime for peace on earth and good will toward men -- and i wish you would especially give some good will to one man:
the guy at work who wears those crazy christmas clothes to the office during the holidays.
yeah -- THAT GUY.
sometimes, he'll wear a tie with either santa claus, a reindeer, or a snowman on it.
also, he'll often wear a vest -- one side green, the other side red -- with either santa claus, a reindeer, or a snowman on it. and sometimes, his vest will have all three of them on it; that's the hat trick of crazy christmas clothes.
and if he's really styling, he'll wear one red sock and one green sock.
(admit it -- you and your office buddies would bet on what days he would wear what combination of clothes.)
you know his wife made those clothes for him; you can't buy them at any store. that means she's a very devoted and loving wife -- and just as crazy as he is.
granted, the crazy christmas clothes guy is annoying -- but he's harmless. he's been working there for 40 years and is nearing retirement.
but let his actions be a warning to you. they show that if you work there as long as he did, you'll go crazy, too.
so right after the new year, i'd recommend that you start looking for a new job -- if you haven't been laid off.
the guy at work who wears those crazy christmas clothes to the office during the holidays.
yeah -- THAT GUY.
sometimes, he'll wear a tie with either santa claus, a reindeer, or a snowman on it.
also, he'll often wear a vest -- one side green, the other side red -- with either santa claus, a reindeer, or a snowman on it. and sometimes, his vest will have all three of them on it; that's the hat trick of crazy christmas clothes.
and if he's really styling, he'll wear one red sock and one green sock.
(admit it -- you and your office buddies would bet on what days he would wear what combination of clothes.)
you know his wife made those clothes for him; you can't buy them at any store. that means she's a very devoted and loving wife -- and just as crazy as he is.
granted, the crazy christmas clothes guy is annoying -- but he's harmless. he's been working there for 40 years and is nearing retirement.
but let his actions be a warning to you. they show that if you work there as long as he did, you'll go crazy, too.
so right after the new year, i'd recommend that you start looking for a new job -- if you haven't been laid off.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
accessorizing nativity scenes
unlike a lot of people, i don't get up in arms about nativity scenes on public or government property. i doubt they truly get a person to convert to christianity.
but whenver i see one on public or government property, i have the desire to add a little extra to it:
but whenver i see one on public or government property, i have the desire to add a little extra to it:
- a bottle of schnappes for the shepherds and wise men, because it gets cold at nights.
- cigars for joseph, so he can hand them out as the proud papa.
- diapers for mary, because she's going to need them.
- and one of those rental signs with a picture of a stork on it and a caption that says: IT'S A BOY.
seven deadly social sins
here, according to mohandes gandhi, are the seven deadly social sins:
- politics without principle;
- wealth without work;
- commerce without morality;
- pleasure without conscience;
- education without character;
- science without humanity;
- worship without sacrifice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
