Thursday, October 2, 2008

a better word for ...

we need a better word for sex, because most of the ones that people use are weak.

for example -- making love.

guys, you definitely want yer. you might even like her. but do you truly love her?

an aside: you don't make love because love is an action, not an object. you make a house, a table and chair, or a car. and you don't truly put the pedal to the metal; you put it on the metal.

other bad examples:

  • sexual intercourse -- by the time most guys have said it, they're through doing it.
  • sleeping with -- now, how much sleep are you getting? and how much sleep do you want to get?
  • tap -- you don't do that to your lover; you do that to a keg of beer.
  • knocking boots -- that's what farmers do to get mud and snow off their clodhoppers.
  • shag -- only if you're austin powers, baby, and as rarely as possible. besides, it's a lousy style of rug and too hard to keep clean.
  • the beast with two backs -- only if you're william shakespeare.
  • rogering royally seven ways 'til sunday -- i don't want to talk that fancy all the time.
  • bang, nail, pound, hammer or screw -- it doesn't sound like you're having sex; it sounds like you're building a house. if that's so, you're not a lover; you're a carpenter.
now i'd like to use the word swive for the sexual act. it's an old english word, going back to the 14th century; geoffrey chaucer used it in the canterbury tales. it covers all the aspects of sex -- from gentle, tender and affectionate intercourse that you could rightly called making love to rutting like a beast in heat.

but if you use that word around here, you get strange and uncomprehending looks. and if you talk about its origins, you definitely get strange and uncomprehensing looks -- and often with a bit of nastiness.

i don't like using the word fuck for the sexual act because it has a nasty implication. for example, if someone cuts you off in traffic and if someone cheats you of something, i bet you'll say:


hell, you might as replace the word fuck with the word rape.

then, during the same day, you'll say to your significant other, "baby, because i love you so much, i want to fuck you."

what the hell?

addenum, october 13: this weekend, i realized that if you substituted the word fork for the word fuck, you'd have the same intent and attitude.

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