mom and 'roids

ten years ago, my mother had hip replacement surgery. the doctors prescribed steroids to help her heal.

it was legitimate. doctors often prescribe steroids for a patient to help bone growth and to built up muscle tissue after surgery.

before i went to visit her in the hospital, i was scared. i was afraid that she would reach out from her bed, grab me, and say:

"WHAT'S THE IDEA OF THIS CHEAP 99-CENT GET-WELL-CARD YOU GOT FOR ME? GET ME AN AMERICAN GREETINGS CARD OR A HALLMARK CARD -- AND MAKE SURE IT COSTS $3.95 OR MORE. I'M YOUR MOTHER, YOU CHEAP JACKASS!"

as i imagined it, she called me a jackass because -- well, she couldn't call me a son of a bitch or a bastard.

i was also afraid she'd say:

"WHAT IS THIS CHEAP POTTED PLANT? I'M YOUR MOTHER! BRING ME SO DAMN ROSES! AND MAKE IT AT LEAST A DOZEN OF THEM!"

but neither of those things happened.

i was glad my mother didn't get addicted to steroids. i don't think my father would've enjoyed shooting them into her rump.
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for the record: patients like my mother are prescribed from 2.5 milligrams to 14.5 milligrams of steroids a day. athletes who take steroids often take from 20 to 2,000 milligrams a day.